[addressing the camera] There's an old joke - um... two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of 'em says, "Boy, the food at this place is really terrible." The other one says, "Yeah, I know; and such small portions." Well, that's essentially how I feel about life - full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly. The... the other important joke, for me, is one that's usually attributed to Groucho Marx; but, I think it appears originally in Freud's "Wit and Its Relation to the Unconscious," and it goes like this - I'm paraphrasing - um, "I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member." That's the key joke of my adult life, in terms of my relationships with women.Alvy Singer
Caleb Danvers: Ugh, y' gotta pull over.
Reid Garwin: Oh, you wanna stop? That'll impress Harvard.
Caleb Danvers: Oh what the hell., lose 'em. Cut across marblehead. let's have some fun while we're at it.
Jack: This is insane, man, you've got to call him!
Jill: Oh will you stop already? You know all he wants to do is play Twister with your sister.
Capt. West: Commander Galloway, why don't you get yourself a cup of coffee.
Galloway: Thank you, sir, I'm fine
Capt. West: Commander, I'd like you to leave the room so we can talk about you behind your back
Galloway: Certainly, sir.
Look, local woman! I know you hold me up as your career template and that it gives you some sort of charge to challenge me, but give it a rest.Gale
Ted: Do you think maybe you wanna maybe, I don't know, go out to dinner, you know, catch up on old times?
Mary: Didn't we just do that?
Ted: Oh, uh...
Mary: I'm fucking with you, Ted!
Ian Miller: May I please date your daughter?
Gus Portokalos: NO!
Our target for this year's purge is hiding in your home. You have one hour to find him and give him to us or we will kill all of you. We will be coming in.Polite Leader
Hedley Lamarr: [cuts in line] You dropped your beads. One please... Uhh... Student?
Cashier: Are you kidding?
Hedley Lamarr: Pain in the ASS...
Pat Healy: What, you think yer shit don't stink?
Ted: No, I don't think, I mean, yes it does, no I don't...
James Bond: You know, you're cleverer than you look.
Q: Still, better than looking cleverer than you are.
Is someone out there? Open this door, please! Come on. I can't breathe! If you can hear me, open this door... I swear on my life I didn't take the master's horse! OPEN THIS DOOR, OR I'LL BREAK THROUGH IT AND GRAB YOU!Ghost in the Closet