Loki: I forgot my little voodoo doll. Wow. It really does look just like you. Maybe, if I believed enough...
[pauses, then crushes voodoo doll of Whitland, who is terrified but unharmed]
Loki: I don't believe in voodoo. [leaves, re-enters with a gun] But I do believe in this.

You're sayin' the FBI's gonna pay me to learn to surf?

Johnny Utah

Skipper: Follow me, boys! We're going in hot!
Private: [his butt goes on fire] Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot!
Skipper: No one likes a show off, Private.

Curtis: Well, the Sister was right. You boys could use a little churching up. Slide on down to the Triple Rock, and catch Rev. Cleophus. You boys listen to what he's got to say.
Jake: Curtis, I don't want to listen to no jive-ass preacher talking to me about Heaven and Hell.
Curtis: Jake, you get wise. You get to church.

Jessica Stanley: Bella! Guess who just asked me to prom. I totally thought Mike was gonna ask you, actually. Um, it's not gonna be weird though, right?
Isabella Swan: No, no. Zero weirdness. You guys are great together.
Jessica Stanley: I know, right?

Sissy: Your shit is really getting tired, Justice.
Justice: Call me 'Boo-Boo-Kitty-Fuck', bitch.

Heywood leads the league in most offensive categories, including nose hair. When this guy sneezes, he looks like a party favor.

Harry Doyle

I'm just trying to help these people.

Sam Childers

Maggie Witzky: She's a witch. She took one look at me and guessed. Well, say something.
Tom Witzky: Bummer.
Maggie Witzky: Something else.

You've got no imagination. You couldn't decide what to do with all that money, so you had to get what everybody else wanted.

Charlie Croker

Employer: Did I say you could sit?
Carson Wells: No, but you strike me as a man who wouldn't want to waste his chair.

Hey Hal, come look at this turd! It looks like Klinger from M.A.S.H.!

Mauricio

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