Phil: You're not my friend!
Alan: Don't say that Phil, are you serious? Even in America!?
Stu: You're the bearded devil!

First I lost my monkey, and now my hat. Could this day get any worse?

K as in Knife.

I wish monkeys could skype.

Mr. Chow: Did you die?
Phil: No, but i was shot.
Mr. Chow: But did you die?

Stu: I'm part of some weird wolf pack.
Alan: Hey, it's not weird. It's really quite cool, there's no membership fee.

"What is this a P.F. Chang's?"


We're the 3 best friends that anybody could have.
We're the 3 best friends that anyone could have, we're the 3 best friends that anyone can have and we'll never never ever ever ever leave each other."

"When a monkey nibbles on a weenis, it's funny in any language."

"We made a pact, Wolfpack only."

Stu: "You got shot!"
Phil: "Am I gonna be ok? You're a doctor."
[Stu looks at the gunshot wound and screams]

Phil: Chow! What are you doing here?
Alan: He's my plus one
Chow: We had a sick night bitches

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Alan Garner

Alan Garner Photo

Alan Garner is a kinda smart guy. But to say he's socially inept would be an understatement.

The character is played by Zach Galifianakis.

Played By
Zach Galifianakis
Full Name
Alan Garner