She had hands as big as Andre the Giant's, and she had an Adam's apple as big as her balls.

I hope you have a big trunk... because I'm puttin' my bike in it.

There were two sides to that billboard, and they both hurt equally.

[about Andy telling Trish he's a virgin]
Andy Stitzer: What if she laughs at me?
Cal: Then you punch her in the fucking head.

[looking at an anatomy model of a vagina] Where do you put the penis?

I'm a virgin. I always have been.

I dated this girl for a while... she was really a... nasty freak. She just loved to... get down with... sex all the time. It was like... anytime of day... she was like, "Yeah, let's go! I'm so nasty!" And I'd be nailing her and she'd be like, "Oh, you're nailing me! cool!"

Andy Stitzer: Well, if you loved her so much, why did you cheat on her?
Jay: [sobbing violently] Because! Duh! I'm insecure! Can't you tell?

Cal: That's a good looking grandma! My grandma looks like Jack Palance.
Andy Stitzer: Well, she's no Jack Palance.
Cal: No. If Jack Palance looked like that lady I would want to fuck Jack Palance right now.

Cal: Before I knew, I thought you were a serial killer.
Andy Stitzer: Oh.
[chuckles]
Cal: No, I'm serious.

Jill: Is this yours? Did you write this stuff?
Jay: My girlfriend Jill found your speed dating card...
Andy Stitzer: OOhhh... yeah... right, god I've been looking for that speed dating card, thank you so much for bringing it to me.
Jill: So you actually wrote that one girl looked like she was "hurtin' for a squirtin'"?
Andy Stitzer: Ummhmm... yeah..."hurtin' for a squirtin'", yeah i wrote that.
Jill: Oh, so you wrote, "hoe fo sho'".
Andy Stitzer: Yeah, I remember that girl, she was a hoe... for sho'

Andy Stitzer: I just don't want a big box of porn in my apartment.
David: There's some really great stuff in here. Really great movies in here, man. Hey, did you ever see School of Rock?
Andy Stitzer: Yeah.
David: Well, this is... It's called School of... You know...
Andy Stitzer: That's nice.
David: But it stars Jack Black Cock.
Andy Stitzer: That makes sense.

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Andy Stitzer

Andy Stitzer Picture

Andy Stitzer is a 40-year old virgin. He's the main focus of this movie, as Andy's friends and coworkers go to extreme lengths to get the guy some booty. But this is one confident nerd. He's comfortable with who he is and ends up waiting until he's ready - and married - to engage in intercourse.

Played By
Steve Carell
Full Name
Andy Stitzer