Bartleby Gaines: Uh, Dean Lewis why don't you tell them a little bit about the philosophy here at south Harmon?
Uncle Ben: Look, we throw a lot of fancy words in front of these kids in order to attract them to going to school in the belief that their gonna have a better life, and we know that all were doing is breeding a whole new generation of buyers and sellers, BUYERS AND SELLERS! Pimps and whores, PIMPS AND WHORES! and indoctrinating them into a life long hell of debt and indecision!
Jack Gaines: I... I,I, I just don't understand...
Uncle Ben: DO I HAVE TO SPOON FEED IT TO YA? look, there's only one reason that kids want to go to school...
Bartleby Gaines: Holy Shit...
Jack Gaines: ...Which is?
Uncle Ben: ...To get a good job... To get a good job, with a great starting salary.
Jack Gaines: Couldn't agree more.
Diane Gaines: So refreshing to have somebody approach education so rationally!
Uncle Ben: Fuckin A'!

Bartleby Gaines: Hey Shrad, do you know any places up near Harmon we can rent?
Sherman Schrader: Oh, yeah I do, actually. I carry around a list with me at all times of abandoned buildings for fake colleges.

Sherman Schrader: Who was that?
Bartleby Gaines: Oh, that's our mascot
Sherman Schrader: A sandwich? You're the SHIT Sandwiches?

Bartleby Gaines: You said you didn't wanna be a part of this thing.
Sherman Schrader: I didn't want to have anything to do with it. I wanted to be the fourth generation of Schrader to go to Harmon. But then I realized, I would much rather be the first generation of Schrader to go to the South Harmon Institute of Technology. I said it, okay? I said it.
Bartleby Gaines: So you're saying... you're saying you want to be a S.H.I.T. head?
Sherman Schrader: I'm saying I wanna be a S.H.I.T. head. I wanna be a S.H.I.T. head.

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Bartleby Gaines

Bartleby Gaines Picture

Bartleby Gaines got rejected from every college he applied to.  Rather than letting his parents know the disappointment, he decided to set up his own school, the South Harmon Institute of Technology.

Played By
Justin Long
Full Name
Bartleby Gaines