"Due to our tight fiscal situation, we regret to inform you we are still going to have to close your station. Good luck in Sherbune, John. And give your men my best. Sincerely, Governor Fuckhead."

Captain O'Hagan: Well, this burger thing with Farva's really screwed our pooch.
Thorny: What? They can't lump us in with that fuckin' martian!

Foster: [explaining his low number of tickets issued] I can't make them speed!
Captain O'Hagan: Try hiding.

Rabbit: See, a lot of drug dealers use stickers to mark their products. Like a brand name.
Farva: See? Where'd you learn that, Cheech? Drug school?
Captain O'Hagan: Shut up, Farva.
[to Rabbit]
Captain O'Hagan: Did that bag you pulled off these college kids have that sticker?
Rabbit: Uummm... [looks at a bag he hid in his pocket] I don't believe it did.

Mac: [to Rabbit] Bite it, rook! You'll make him look like a dick!
Rabbit: Nah...
Captain O'Hagan: Every Thursday night I walk into the lodge to play Hearts...
Mac: Seriously, rook, bite it. Do it. Don't be a wuss!
Captain O'Hagan: ...and they always have my Old-Fashioned just waiting there...
Mac: Don't be a wuss, bite it!
Captain O'Hagan: ...I like that. I like it here...
Mac: Bite it. Bite it!
Captain O'Hagan: [Fed up] Oh, hell! Give me the goddamn soap!

Captain O'Hagan: Bulletproof cup, huh? I invented this gag, Rabbit. Only in my day, the rookie got naked.
[fires through the window, accidentally shooting out the glass]
Captain O'Hagan: And we also used blanks. You're a sick motherfucker, Mac.
Mac: Thanks, Chief!

I'm sorry, Bruce. These boys get that syrup in 'em, they get all antsy in their pantsy.

Captain O'Hagan: I swear to God I'm going to pistol whip the next guy who says, "Shenanigans."
Mac: Hey Farva what's the name of that restaurant you like with all the goofy shit on the walls and the mozzarella sticks?
Farva: You mean Shenanigans?
Mac: OOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
Thorny: OOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

[In an Irish accent] I'll believe ya when me shit turns purple and smells like rainbow sherbet.

Mac: Oh, c'mon, we're like the sons you never had.
Captain O'Hagan: If you were my son, Mac, I would've smothered you by now.
Mac: Smothered me in gravy you big dirty man.

FREE Movie Newsletter