Come back, you fat, bearded bitch!

Shit! I hate it when I get my Schwartz twisted.

Self-Destruct Voice: This ship will self-destruct in ten, nine, eight, six...
Dark Helmet: Six! What happened to seven?
Self-Destruct Voice: I'm just kidding!

[breathes heavily, Darth Vader-style] I can't breathe in this thing!

Colonel Sandurz: What shall we do now, Sir?
Dark Helmet: Well, are we stopped?
Colonel Sandurz: We're stopped, Sir.
Dark Helmet: Good. Well, why don't we take a five minute break?
Colonel Sandurz: Very good, Sir.
Dark Helmet: Smoke if you got'em.

You have the ring, and I see your Schwartz is as big as mine. Let's see how well you handle it.

Dark Helmet: What did you do? You turned it off!
Colonel Sandurz: Turned off what? I just turned off the screen.
Dark Helmet: No, you didnt! You turned off the movie!

Colonel Sandurz: They must have hyperjets on that thing.
Dark Helmet: And what do we have on this thing? A cuisinart?

Yogurt! Yogurt! I hate Yogurt! Even with Strawberries.

Colonel Sandurz: Sir, do you think we're being too literal?
Dark Helmet: No you fool, we're following orders. We were told to comb the desert so we're combing it.

Dark Helmet: Before you die there is something you should know about us, Lone Star.
Lone Starr: What?
Dark Helmet: I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate.
Lone Starr: What's that make us?
Dark Helmet: Absolutely nothing! Which is what you are about to become.

So, Lone Star, now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb.

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Dark Helmet

Dark Helmet Picture

Played By
Rick Moranis
Full Name
Dark Helmet