Eli: Did I hit the dog?
Chas: Yeah.
Eli: Is he dead?
Chas: Yeah.
Eli: I need help.

Eli: You never even gave me the time of day till I started getting good reviews.
Margot: Your reviews weren't that good.
Eli: But the sales are.

Eli: I did find it odd when you said you were in love with her. She's married you know.
Richie: Yeah.
Eli: And she's your sister.
Richie: Adopted.

Etheline Tenenbaum: Chas? What's going on?
Chas: We got locked out of our apartment.
Etheline Tenenbaum: Well, did you call a locksmith?
Chas: Uh huh.
Etheline Tenenbaum: Well, I don't understand. Did you pack your bags BEFORE you got locked out?

Richie: Did you say you were on Mescaline?
Eli: I did indeed. Very much so.

Well, everyone knows Custer died at Little Bighorn. What this book presupposes is... maybe he didn't.

Why would a reviewer make the point of saying someone's NOT a genius? Do you especially think I'm NOT a genius? You didn't even have to think about it, did you?

Richie: Are we still friends?
Eli: What?
Richie: Are we?
Eli: Of course. How can you even ask me that?
Richie: Doesn't matter.
Eli: Doesn't matter? It does matter.
Richie: I heard about you and Margot.
Eli: [long pause] I'm sorry.

Eli: What'd you say?
Richie: Hmm? I didn't say anything.
Eli: When? Right now?

Richie: Did you tell Margot about that letter I wrote to you?
Eli: Why? Did she mention it? Yes, I did. Why would she repeat that?
Richie: I would ask you the same question.

Eli: I'm very sorry, Margot.
Margot: It's okay. We're not actually related anyway.
Eli: True.

Eli: I wish you'd've done this for me when I was a kid.
Richie: But you didn't have a drug problem then.
Eli: Yeah, but it still would've meant a lot to me.

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Eli Cash

Played By
Owen Wilson
Full Name
Eli Cash