Jacob: [to Lou] I have some Ativan but it's different.
Lou: Well, let's stick it up our asses!
Jacob: It's not a suppository!
Lou: It doesn't matter. You crush it up, put it in a paper towel, run it under some warm water, and you stick it right up your ass. That works!

Lou: "I love you, Jacob!"
Jacob: "F*** you!"
Lou: "Little scamp. They say the damnedest things, man."

Jacob: "Nobody f***s my mother in the past!"
Kelly: "I feel pregnant."
Lou: "You're welcome."

Lou: "Who took my f***in' shoe?!"
Jacob: "Blaine apparently beat your shoe off of you, which -- I don't even know how that could f***in' happen."

Jacob: "Holy shit-- you're wasted!"
Adam: "I've had, like, two wine kills, Captain Buzzcooler."

Lou: "Hey, man, can I ask you a question? Does this seem like it's all about Adam again?"
Nick: "Yeah--just like Cincinnati."
Adam: "You're gonna bring that up?"
Lou: "We said we weren't gonna talk about Cincinnati ever, okay?"
Jacob: "Is this why you have that shoebox in your closet that says 'Cincinnati'?"
Adam: "Yeah."
Lou: "What?! That's f***in' admissible!"
Nick: "You keep it in the closet?!"
Adam: "What am I gonna f***in' do with it? You can't bury those things."
Nick: "You wrote 'Cincinnati' on it?!"
Adam: "How do I know which one it's supposed to be?!"
Jacob: " ... Is it a fetus?"

Jacob [discussing "the butterfly effect"]: "... like, you step on a bug, and the f***in' Internet's never invented."
Lou: "Oh, then you have to talk to girls with your mouth."

"All right, I write Stargate fan fiction, so I think I'm know what I'm talkin' about right now."

Jacob: "Guys! This is scientifically possible."
Lou: "Oh, my god. Okay, Professor Hawking, tell me in your robot voice how this is scientifically possible."

Jacob [scoping out the ski resort]: " I'm gonna make a prediction right now: One of us is gonna start writing a novel, and then we all get snowed in, and then Lou's gonna axe-murder all of us."

Jacob: "For your information, I've had a lot of girlfriends. Hot ones."
Lou: "You have had lots of boyfriends. Gay ones."

Adam: "If you don't like it, you can move back in with your mom."
Jacob: "No, I can't. Actually, she moved in her new boyfriend. I will not be anywhere near that."
Adam: "She moved in with him?"
Jacob: "Yeah, the taxidermist. The taxidermist is stuffing my mother."

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