Kevin: Well, you're all I think about.
Leslie: Me?
Kevin: And I think the reason I'm not interested in other women, and why I haven't had sex in so long, is because I'm desperately, completely in love with you.

Never trust a woman who says she isn't angry.

Kirby: I understand the fold, but what's fluff?
Kevin: Fluff's what I write for the paper.

Kirby: Why do they put ice in the urinals?
Kevin: It tastes better.
Kirby: Bah Dum bum ching.

You know Jules, there is the brink of insanity and then there is the abyss, which obviously you have fallen into!

Kirby: You are just pissed off and bitter because you have not had sex in... how long? What is it... a year... maybe two? Refresh my memory please, Kevin. Haven't you heard of the sexual revolution?
Kevin: Who won, huh? Nobody. Used to be sex was the only free thing, No longer. Alimony... palimony... it's all financial. Love is an illusion.
Kirby: It's the only illusion that counts, my friend.
Kevin: Says who?
Kirby: Anyone who's been in love.
Kevin: Love sucks.
Kirby: So does your attitude.

You know there are more people in law school right now than there are lawyers on the entire planet? Think about that.

Kevin: Marriage is a concept invented by people who were lucky to make it to 20 without being eaten by dinosaurs. Marriage is obsolete.
Alec: Dinosaurs are obsolete. Marriage is still around.

Kirby: It's true love, my friend.
Kevin: Love, love, you know what love is? Love is an illusion created by lawyer types like yourself to perpetuate another illusion called marriage to create the reality of divorce and then the illusionary need for divorce lawyers.

Kevin: How come you never ask me if I want a date?
Naomi: I thought you were gay!

Jules: Don't you enjoy anything anymore... like girls?
Kevin: I enjoy being afraid of Russia. It's a harmless fear, but it makes America feel better, Russia gets an inflated sense of national worth from our paranoia. How's that?

Kirby: I always thought we'd be friends forever.
Kevin: Yeah, well forever got a lot shorter all of a sudden.

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