Randal Graves Quotes
Indecisive Video Customer: Well, have you heard anything about either one of them?
Randal Graves: I find it's best to stay out of other people's affairs.
Indecisive Video Customer: You mean you've haven't heard anybody say anything about either one of these?
Randal Graves: Nope.
Indecisive Video Customer: They say so much, but they never tell you if it's any good... are either one of these any good?... Sir?
Randal Graves: What?
Indecisive Video Customer: Are either one of these any good?
Randal Graves: I don't watch movies.
Randal Graves: You know who I could do without? I could do without the people in the video store.
Dante Hicks: Which ones?
Randal Graves: All of them.
Randal Graves: The jizz-mopper's job is to clean off the glass after each guy shoots a load. I don't know if you noticed, but cum leaves streaks if you don't clean it right away.
Offended Customer: I will never come to this place again!
Dante Hicks: I'm sorry?
Offended Customer: Using filthy language in front of the customers, you both should be fired!
Dante Hicks: I'm sorry, I guess we got carried away.
Offended Customer: I don't know if sorry could make up for it, you've highly offended me.
Randal Graves: Well if you thinks that's offensive, check this out! I think you can see her kidneys!
Dante Hicks: You ever notice how all the prices end in nine? Damn, that's eerie.
Randal Graves: [reading a magazine] Have you ever wondered how much the average jizz-mopper makes per hour?
Dante Hicks: What's a jizz-mopper?
Randal Graves: He's the guy that cleans up the nudie booth after each guy jerks off.
Dante Hicks: Nudie booth?
Randal Graves: Yeah, nudie booth. You've never been in a nudie booth?
Dante Hicks: I guess not.
Randal Graves: Oh, it's great. There's this glass between you and these chicks, and they put on a show for you for like 10 bucks.
Dante Hicks: What kinda show?
Randal Graves: Which did you like better? "Jedi" or "The Empire Strikes Back"?
Dante Hicks: "Empire".
Randal Graves: Blasphemy.
Dante Hicks: "Empire" had the better ending. I mean, Luke gets his hand cut off, finds out Vader's his father, Han gets frozen and taken away by Boba Fett. It ends on such a down note. I mean, that's what life is, a series of down endings. All "Jedi" had was a bunch of Muppets.
Hey, we're closed.
You sound like an asshole! Jesus, nobody twisted your arm to be here. You're here of your own volition. You like to think the weight of the world rests on your shoulder. Like this place would fall apart if Dante wasn't here. Jesus, you overcompensate for having what's basically a monkey's job. You push fucking buttons. Anybody can just waltz in here and do our jobs. You-You're so obsessed with making it seem so much more epic, so much more important than it really is. Christ, you work in a convenience store, Dante! And badly, I might add! I work in a shitty video store, badly as well. You know, that guy Jay's got it right, man. He has no delusions about what he does. Us, we like to make ourselves seem so much more important than the people that come in here to buy a paper, or, god forbid, cigarettes. We look down on them as if we're so advanced. Well, if we're so fucking advanced, what are we doing working here?
Dante Hicks: You know what the real tragedy about all this is? I'm not even supposed to be here today!
Randal Graves: Oh, fuck you! Fuck you, pal! Jesus, there you go trying to pass the buck. I'm the source of all your misery. Who closed the store to play hockey? Who closed the store to go to a wake? Who tried to win back his ex girlfriend without even discussing how he felt with his present one? You wanna blame somebody? Blame yourself. "I'm not even supposed to be here today."
Dante Hicks: What'd you do that for?
Randal Graves: Two reasons: one, I hate when the people can't shut up about the stupid tabloid headlines.
Dante Hicks: Jesus!
Randal Graves: And two, to make a point: title does not dictate behavior. If title dictated my behavior, as a clerk serving the public, I wouldn't be allowed to spit a mouthful of water at that guy. But I did, so my point is that people dictate their own behavior. Hence, even though I'm a clerk in this video store, I choose to go rent videos at Big Choice. Agreed?
Dante Hicks: You're a danger to both the dead and the living.
Randal Graves: I like to think I'm a master of my own destiny.
Dante Hicks: Please, get the hell out of here.
Randal Graves: Oh, come on. You know I'm your hero.
Customer: [reading the tabloids] I saw one, one time, that said the world was ending the next week. Then in the next week's paper, they said we were miraculously saved at the zero hour by a Koala-fish mutant bird. Crazy shit.
Randal Graves: So I'm no more responsible for my own decisions while I'm here at work than, say, the Death Squad soldiers in Bosnia?
Dante Hicks: That's stretching it. You're not being asked to slay children or anything.
Randal Graves: Not yet.
Randal Graves: So your argument is that title dictates behavior?
Dante Hicks: What?
Randal Graves: The reason you won't let me borrow your car is because I have a title and a job description, and I'm supposed to follow it, right?
Dante Hicks: Exactly.