[Beatrice has run away from home, and revealed herself hiding under Roy's bed]
Roy Eberhardt: How long have you been here?
Beatrice Leep: Oh, don't worry. I kept my eyes closed while you put on your very colorful jammies.

I knew I couldn't spend the rest of the school year hiding from Beatrice the Bear. I had to take a stand, even if it meant getting decapitated with my own lunch tray.

My mom told me Florida was so sunny and gorgeous, that everybody in America wanted to live there. Everybody except me. And as usual, I was out-voted.

[about Dana, after Roy broke his nose]
Roy Eberhardt: I wrote him a note, that should be the end of it.
Garrett: A note? That's adorable. What did you say? "I'm sorry I smoked you. Please don't break every bone in my body. Please leave me one good arm so I can feed myself"?
Roy Eberhardt: You're hysterical.

Beatrice Leep: Hey, cowgirl.
Roy Eberhardt: Yeah?
Beatrice Leep: I'm really glad that... You know what, I'm just gonna call you "Roy" from now on. If that's all right with you.
Roy Eberhardt: And what's wrong with Ling Ho?
[She laughs and hits him with a pillow]

Roy Eberhardt: We've got to stop this construction once and for all.
Mullet Fingers: We're the only ones who care.
Roy Eberhardt: We're the only ones that know!

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