Commander Gilmour: Oh my God, he's back.
Johnson Ritter: In many ways, Bob's Big Boy never left, sir. He's always offered the same high quality meals at competitive prices.

Twins, Basil. Twins.

Shut up, you bastard... who is fat...

Scott: Look, I was wondering if we could work all this out? You are, after all, my father.
Dr Evil: Scott, you had your chance, okay? I've already had someone created in my image. He's evil, he wants to take over the world, and he fits easily into most overhead storage bins.
Scott: Him? Look at him, he's crazy. He's like a vicious little Chihuahua thing. He'll kill me the first chance he gets.
Dr Evil: Probably.

Dr. Evil: Talk to the hand, 'cause the face don't wanna hear it anymore.
The President: What hand? Talk to your hand?
Dr. Evil: You ain't all that and a bag of potato chips.
The President: What are you talking about?
Dr. Evil: Don't go there, girlfriend.

Fat Bastard: First things first: WHERE'S YOUR SHITTER? I've got a turtle-head poking out.
Dr. Evil: Charming.
Fat Bastard: I'm not kiddin'. I've got a crap on deck that could choke a donkey. Aww, it's SQUIDGY. Christ, I'm gettin' all emotional from it, ya know?

Mini-me, we do not gnaw on the kitty.

Dr. Evil

Austin: Basil, this coffee smells like shit.
Basil: It is shit, Austin.
Austin: Oh, good, then it's not just me.

Vanessa Kensington: Do you smoke after sex?
Austin: I don't know, baby, I never looked.

Austin: [a guard falls into the lava] What a... burn? [laughs]
That sort of thing could get a man... fired? [laughs] I think he was... hot... for... you? [laughs]
Felicity Shagwell: That's enough.
Austin: Yeah.

Austin: Hello, Mummy. Can I have some chocolates? I want some Mars Bars. Don't smack my bottom, Mummy...
Felicity Shagwell: Austin?
Austin: Sorry, love. I got stuck in your dirty pillows.

Number Two: Why not use your knowledge of the future to play the stock markets? We could make trillions.
Dr. Evil: Why make a trillion when we could make... billions?
Scott: A trillion's more than a billion, numb nuts.

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