Stu Price: You do know counting cards is illegal, right?
Alan Garner: It's not illegal, it's just frowned upon. Like masturbating in an airplane.
Phil Wenneck: I'm pretty sure that's illegal, too.

Alan Garner: Can I ask you another question?
Lisa: Sure.
Alan Garner: You probably get this a lot. This isn't the real Caesar's Palace is it?
Lisa: What do you mean?
Alan Garner: Did, umm... did Caesar live here?
Lisa: No.
Alan Garner: I didn't think so.

Doug Billings: Either way, you gotta be super smart to count cards, buddy, okay?
Alan Garner: Oh really?
Doug Billings: It's not easy.
Alan Garner: Okay, well maybe we should tell that to Rain Man, because he practically bankrupted a casino, and he was a ruh-tard.
Stu Price: A what?
Alan Garner: He was a ruh-tard.
Doug Billings: [pauses to figure out what Alan was saying] *RE*tard.

Alan Garner: Gambling? Who said anything about gambling? It's not gambling when you know you're gonna win. Counting cards is a foolproof system.
Stu Price: It's also illegal.
Alan Garner: It's not illegal, it's frowned upon, like masturbating on an airplane.
Phil Wenneck: I'm pretty sure that's illegal too.
Alan Garner: Yeah, maybe after 9/11, where everybody got so sensitive. Thanks a lot, Bin Laden.

Remember, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Except for herpes. That shit'll come back with you.

Sid Garner

Mr. Chow: Did you die?
Phil: No, but i was shot.
Mr. Chow: But did you die?

Alan Garner: Do you know if the hotel is pager friendly?
Lisa: What do you mean?
Alan Garner: I'm not getting a sig' on my beeper.
Lisa: I'm not sure.
Alan Garner: Is there a payphone bank? Buncha payphones? Business.
Lisa: Umm, there's a phone in your room...
Alan Garner: That'll work.

Old Timer at Gas Station: This is one sweet ride.
[commenting on the Mercedes as Alan is pumping the gas]
Alan Garner: Don't touch it. Don't even look at it. Don't look at me.
[the old man walks away]
Alan Garner: That's right. You better walk on. I'll hit an old man in public!

Sometimes when you snort coke, your heart stops and starts up again. Read a book!

Mr. Chow

I look like a nerdy hillbilly!

Stu Price

Alan Garner: It was really nice meeting you.
Melissa: Fuck off!
Alan Garner: You know, I was thinking of getting my bartender's license.
Melissa: Suck my dick!
Alan Garner: No thank you.

Phil Wenneck: You're not really wearing that are you?
Alan Garner: Wearing what?
Phil Wenneck: The man purse. You actually gonna wear that or are you just fuckin' with me?
Alan Garner: It's where I keep all my things. Get a lot of compliments on this. Plus it's not a purse, it's called a satchel. Indiana Jones wears one.
Phil Wenneck: So does Joy Behar.

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