Phil Wenneck: [his answering machine message] Hey, this is Phil. Leave me a message, or don't, but do me a favor: don't text me, it's gay.

Melissa: I just wish your friends were as mature as you.
Stu Price: They are mature, actually. You just have to get to know them better.
Phil Wenneck: [yelling from outside] Paging Dr. Faggot. Dr. Faggot!
Stu Price: I should go.
Melissa: That's a good idea, Dr. Faggot.

Stu Price: That is not Doug.
Mr. Chow: What're you talking about, Willis? That him!
Stu Price: No, I'm sorry, Mr. Chow, that's not our friend, he... it's...
Alan Garner: The Doug we're looking for is a white.

Phil: Chow! What are you doing here?
Alan: He's my plus one
Chow: We had a sick night bitches

Phil: You're not my friend!
Alan: Don't say that Phil, are you serious? Even in America!?
Stu: You're the bearded devil!

Alan Garner: Hey Phil, look!
[laughs hysterically while miming the baby masturbating]
Alan Garner: He's jackin' his little weenus!
Phil Wenneck: Pull yourself together, bro!
Alan Garner: Not at the table, Carlos!

[last lines]
Doug Billings: We look at these pictures together, ok? One time. And then we delete the evidence.
Stu Price: I say we delete it right now.
Phil Wenneck: Are you nut? I want to find out how I went to the hospital. Is that in there?
Alan Garner: Yeah it's in there!
Doug Billings: Guys, one time. Deal?
Phil Wenneck: Deal!
Stu Price: Deal.
Alan Garner: Ok.
Stu Price: [the four of them look into the camera] Oh dear Lord!
Alan Garner: That's classic!

Stu Price: You are literally too stupid to insult.
Alan Garner: Thank you.

[singing passionately] What do tigers dream of when they take their little tiger snooze? Do they dream of mauling zebras, or Halle Berry in her Catwoman suit? Don't you worry your pretty striped head, we're gonna get you back to Tyson and your cozy tiger bed. And then we're gonna find our best friend Doug, and then we're gonna give him a best friend hug. Doug, Doug, oh, Doug, Dougie, Dougie, Doug, Doug! But if he's been murdered by crystal meth tweakers, well then we're shit out of luck.

Stu Price

Stu Price: Here's something I would like to remind you two of: our best friend Doug is probably face down in a ditch right now with a meth head butt-fucking his corpse!
Alan Garner: That's highly unlikely.

Counting cards isn't illegal. It's frowned upon, like masturbating on an airplane... Maybe since 9/11 when everyone got so damn sensitive. Thanks a lot Bin Laden!

Alan Garner

Doug: I always wondered why they were called roofies. Cause you're more likely to end up on the floor than the roof. They should call em groundies.
Alan Garner: Or rapies.

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