It's got, ah, Ted Danson and Magnum P.I. and that Jewish actor...

Alan Garner

Doug Billings: Either way, you gotta be super smart to count cards, buddy, okay?
Alan Garner: Oh really?
Doug Billings: It's not easy.
Alan Garner: Okay, well maybe we should tell that to Rain Man, because he practically bankrupted a casino, and he was a ruh-tard.
Stu Price: A what?
Alan Garner: He was a ruh-tard.
Doug Billings: [pauses to figure out what Alan was saying] *RE*tard.

Alan Garner: Gambling? Who said anything about gambling? It's not gambling when you know you're gonna win. Counting cards is a foolproof system.
Stu Price: It's also illegal.
Alan Garner: It's not illegal, it's frowned upon, like masturbating on an airplane.
Phil Wenneck: I'm pretty sure that's illegal too.
Alan Garner: Yeah, maybe after 9/11, where everybody got so sensitive. Thanks a lot, Bin Laden.

Stu Price: That is not Doug.
Mr. Chow: What're you talking about, Willis? That him!
Stu Price: No, I'm sorry, Mr. Chow, that's not our friend, he... it's...
Alan Garner: The Doug we're looking for is a white.

Stu Price: We don't want to call attention to ourselves!
Phil Wenneck: [while driving a squad car on the sidewalk and using the loudspeaker] Attention! Attention!

Hey man I can be your Doug!

Black Doug

Don't let the beard fool you. He's a child!

Stu Price

[repeatedly singing] And we're the three best friends that anyone could have!

Alan Garner

Alan Garner: [after learning the hotel room they had reserved only had 2 beds] Two beds is enough, we can share for a night. I'll bunk with Phil. That cool with you?
Phil Wenneck: No.

That's my grandma's ring. She made it all the way through the holocaust with that thing. It's legit.

Stu Price

Hey you guys ready to let the dogs out?

Alan Garner

Stu Price: She's got my grandmother's Holocaust ring!
Alan Garner: I didn't know they gave out rings at the Holocaust.

FREE Movie Newsletter