"What is this a P.F. Chang's?"

Alan

Stu: I'm part of some weird wolf pack.
Alan: Hey, it's not weird. It's really quite cool, there's no membership fee.

Mr. Chow: Did you die?
Phil: No, but i was shot.
Mr. Chow: But did you die?

I wish monkeys could skype.

Alan

I have a weakness for prostitutes apparently, all kinds.

Stu

Holla, City of Squalor!

Mr. Chow

K as in Knife.

Alan

First I lost my monkey, and now my hat. Could this day get any worse?

Alan

Sometimes when you snort coke, your heart stops and starts up again. Read a book!

Mr. Chow

I was gonna have you sing 'Burn it Up' by the Jonas Brothers, but then I remembered you don't like Indie music.

Alan

Phil: You're not my friend!
Alan: Don't say that Phil, are you serious? Even in America!?
Stu: You're the bearded devil!

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