Phil: You're not my friend!
Alan: Don't say that Phil, are you serious? Even in America!?
Stu: You're the bearded devil!

Phil: You ever do anything that doesn't end up in a standoff, Chow?
Mr. Chow: I'm an international criminal, it always ends like this.

Phil Wenneck: Tracy, it's Phil.
Tracy Garner: Phil, where the hell are you guys?
Phil Wenneck: We lost Doug.
Tracy Garner: What? We're getting married in five hours.
Phil Wenneck: Yeah... that's not gonna happen.

Alan Garner: Who's baby is that?
Phil Wenneck: We'll deal with the baby later.
Stu Price: We're not gonna leave a baby in the room. There's a tiger in the bathroom!

What do tigers dream of when they take a little tiger snooze? Do they dream of mauling zebras or Halle Berry in her cat woman suit.

Stu Price

Don't you worry your pretty stripped head were gonna get you back to Tyson and your cozy tiger bed. Then were gonna find our best friend Doug and then were gonna give him a best friend hug... Doug Doug, Dougie, Doug, Doug.

Stu Price

Not at the table, Jose!

Alan Garner

Alan Garner: [while picking up a friend at the school where he works] Did you have to park this close?
Doug Billings: Yeah, why?
Alan Garner: I just... I can't be here.
Doug Billings: What do you mean?
Alan Garner: I'm not supposed to be within two hundred feet of a church... or a Chuckeee Cheeze.

See you later, gay boys!

Mr. Chow

[his answering machine message] It's Phil, leave a message. Actually, you know what, don't text me. It's gay.

Phil Wenneck

Stu Price: Oh my God, I can't believe I gave away my grandmother's Holocaust ring to a complete stranger.
Alan Garner: Yeah, I didn't even know they gave out rings during the Holocaust.

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