[Jane climbs a ladder]
Frank: Nice beaver!
Jane: [producing a stuffed beaver] Thank you. I just had it stuffed.

I've been swimming in raw sewage. I love it!

Lt. Frank Drebin

Lt. Frank Drebin: Now, Jane, what can you tell us about the man you saw last night?
Jane Spencer: He's Caucasian.
Ed Hocken: Caucasian?
Jane Spencer: Yeah, you know, a white guy. A moustache. About six-foot-three.
Lt. Frank Drebin: Awfully big moustache.

Ed Hocken: You might end up dead!
Frank Drebin: "You might end up dead" is my middle name.
Ed Hocken: What about Jane?
Frank Drebin: I don't know her middle name.

Rocco Dillon: Any last words before I throw you off?
Jane Spencer: Yes. Don't do it.

Busty Female Shop Assistant: Is this some kind of bust?
Lt. Frank Drebin: Well, it's very impressive, yes, but we need to ask you a few questions.

[narrating] The attempt on Nordberg's life left me shaken and disturbed, and all the questions kept coming up over and over again, like bubbles in a case of club soda. Who was this character in the hospital? And why was he trying to kill Nordberg? And for whom? Did Ludwig lie to me? I didn't have any proof, but, somehow, I didn't entirely trust him, either. Why was the I Luv You not listed in Ludwig's records? And if it was, did he know about it? And if he didn't, who did? And where the hell was I?


Mrs. Nordberg: Oh, my poor Nordberg! He was such a good man, Frank. He never wanted to hurt anyone. Who would do such a thing?
Frank: It's hard to tell. A gang of thugs, a blackmailer, an angry husband, a gay lover...

Ludwig: So they were able to get him to the hospital in time?
Frank: Yes, he's in the intensive care ward at Our Lady of the Worthless Miracle.

Mrs. Nordberg, I think we can save your husband's arm. Where would you like it sent?

Nurse #2

Jane Spencer: Sam, would you play our song, just one more time?
Sam: Of course... DING DONG! The witch is dead! Which old witch? The wicked witch!

Like a blind man at an orgy, I was going to have to feel my way through.

Frank Drebin

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