[Frank Drebin is angrily breaking up with Jane Spencer]
Frank: Oh, and one more thing: I faked every orgasm!
Jane: [heartbroken] Oh, Funny Face.

Mrs. Nordberg, I think we can save your husband's arm. Where would you like it sent?

Nurse #2

Ludwig: So they were able to get him to the hospital in time?
Frank: Yes, he's in the intensive care ward at Our Lady of the Worthless Miracle.

Wilma, I promise you; whatever scum did this, not one man on this force will rest one minute before until he's behind bars. Now, let's grab a bite to eat

Frank

Jane: Would you like a nightcap?
Frank: No thank you, I don't wear them.

Jane: I'm boiling a roast. How hot and wet do you like it?
Frank: Very hot, and awfully wet.

[offering a cigar]
Vincent Ludwig: Cuban?
Frank: No, Dutch-Irish. My father was from Wales.

Ed: A hunch won't stand up in court, Frank. What we need are hard facts.
Frank: Look, Ed. Ludwig was the only one besides us who knew Nordberg was still alive. Next thing you know, some thug tries to knock him off in the hospital.
Ed: Yeah, but going into Ludwig's office without a warrant, you're taking a big chance.
Frank: I know. You take a chance getting up in the morning, crossing the street or sticking your face in a fan.

Frank: A good cop - needlessly cut down by some cowardly hoodlums.
Ed: No way for a man to die.
Frank: No... you're right, Ed. A parachute not opening... that's a way to die. Getting caught in the gears of a combine... having your nuts bit off by a Laplander, that's the way I wanna go.
Wilma Nordberg: [cries] Oh... Frank. This is terrible.
Ed: Don't you worry Wilma. Your husband is going to be alright. Don't you worry about anything. Just think positive. Never let a doubt enter your mind.
Frank: He's right, Wilma. But I wouldn't wait until the last minute to fill out those organ donor cards.
[Wilma cries again]
Ed: What I'm trying to say is that Wilma, as soon as Nordburg is better, he's welcome back at Police Squad.
Frank: Unless he's a drooling vegetable. But I think that's only common sense...
[Wilma cries again]

Ed: You want to take a dingy?
Frank: No, I took care of that at the press conference.

[narrating] The attempt on Nordberg's life left me shaken and disturbed, and all the questions kept coming up over and over again, like bubbles in a case of club soda. Who was this character in the hospital? And why was he trying to kill Nordberg? And for whom? Did Ludwig lie to me? I didn't have any proof, but, somehow, I didn't entirely trust him, either. Why was the I Luv You not listed in Ludwig's records? And if it was, did he know about it? And if he didn't, who did? And where the hell was I?

Frank

I'd known her for years. We used to go to all the police functions together. Ah, how I loved her, but she had her music. I think she had her music. She'd hang out with the Chicago Male Chorus and Symphony. I don't recall her playing an instrument or be able to carry a tune. Yet she was on the road 300 days of the year. In fact I bought her a harp for christmas. She asked me what it was.

Frank

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