Elias: The Transformers are a gift from God, Randal!
Randal Graves: Oh no, sir. The Transformers are a curse from the beast we call The Desolate One.

Randal Graves: Don't worry. His pickle was small enough to stay wedged after only four bites.
Lance Dowds: I bet you're the only guy in the world who still remembers that, Graves.
Randal Graves: Oh, I'm sure you still remember it pretty vividly, Pickle Fucker.

Randal Graves: Well I don't wanna jerk off in the Mooby's bathroom. What if a customer comes in and my jerkin' off gets him all sex nuts and retard strong, and suddenly I'm fighting him off as he tries to jam my dick in his mouth?
Dante Hicks: The most likeliest of scenarios.

Randal Graves: Jesus! Step away from the fryer before you burn us all alive!
Elias: It's not my fault you abandoned your post!
Randal Graves: Was it too much to ask that you handle the fries? The machine does all the work! What, does a machine gotta transform into some giant fuckin' robot before you'll take it seriously? Go home!

Becky: Shit, I had to wait on a guy I blew after Junior Prom.
Randal Graves: Yeah, I've waited on your brother too.

Dante Hicks: You wouldn't wanna be with a girl with an oversized clit?
Randal Graves: No because the next step would be a guy with an undersized dick.

Teen #1: How about a nickel bag?
Jay: Fifteen bucks, lit-tle man. Put that shit in my hand. Nong nong nonga nonga nong nong.
Teen #1: [to Teen #2] He likes to sing.

Randal Graves: Why haven't you fucked Myra yet?
Elias: Well we can't because of Pillow Pants.
Randal Graves: What the fuck's Pillow Pants?
Elias: Pillow Pants is a little troll that lives in her pussy.

Say what you will about Jesus, but leave "The Rings" alone.


You gotta be as blind as Anne Frank not to see that.

Randal Graves

Yo, you guys are gonna miss this shit! The big guy's gonna cornhole that ass! With his weiner!


Dante Hicks: Can you feel it?
Randal Graves: Feel what?
Dante Hicks: Today is the first day of the rest of our lives.

FREE Movie Newsletter