I'm not even supposed to be here today!

Dante Hicks

I love you. And not, not in a friendly way, although I think we're great friends. And not in a misplaced affection, puppy-dog way, although I'm sure that's what you'll call it. I love you. Very, very simple, very truly. You are the epitome of everything I have ever looked for in another human being. And I know that you think of me as just a friend, and crossing that line is the furthest thing from an option you would ever consider. But I had to say it. I just, I can't take this anymore. I can't stand next to you without wanting to hold you. I can't, I can't look into your eyes without feeling that, that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels. I can't talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are. And I know this will probably queer our friendship - no pun intended - but I had to say it, because I've never felt this way before, and I don't care. I like who I am because of it. And if bringing this to light means we can't hang out anymore, then that hurts me. But God, I just, I couldn't allow another day to go by without just getting it out there, regardless of the outcome, which by the look on your face is to be the inevitable shoot-down. And, you know, I'll accept that. But I know... I know that some part of you is hesitating for a moment, and if there is a moment of hesitation, then that means you feel something too. All I ask, please, is that you just, you just not dismiss that - and try to dwell in it for just ten seconds. Alyssa, there isn't another soul on this fucking planet who has ever made me half the person I am when I'm with you, and I would risk this friendship for the chance to take it to the next plateau. Because it is there between you and me. You can't deny that. Even if, you know, even if we never talk again after tonight, please know that I'm forever changed because of who you are and what you've meant to me, which - while I do appreciate it - I'd never need a painting of birds bought at a diner to remind me of.

Holden

Anyone who isn't dead or from another plane of existence would do well to cover their ears right about now.

Metatron

Randal Graves: Why don't you join her and make a little bathroom bam bam?
Dante Hicks: I love your sex talk. It's so kindergarten. "Poo poo". "Wee wee".
Randal Graves: Fuck you.

Jay: Do they say who's fuckin' playing us in the movie?
Holden: No, but it's Miramax. So I'm sure it'll be Ben Affleck and Matt Damon. They put those guys in a bunch of movies.
Jay: Who?
Holden: You know, those kids from Good Will Hunting?
Jay: You mean that fuckin' movie with Mork from Ork in it?
Holden: Yeah, I wasn't a big fan either... but Affleck was the bomb in "Phantoms."
Jay: Word, bitch, Phantoms like a mallfucker.

I don't care if she's my cousin or not, I'm gonna knock those boots again tonight.

Jay

Randal Graves: Hey, you and I have something in common - we both eat Chinese.
Caitlin Bree: Dick.
Randal Graves: Exactly.

That guy's being awfully forward with that donkey.

Jay

Randal Graves: 17-year-olds nowadays are crazy. They're up for anything. They even like it when you go ass to mouth.
Dante Hicks: You never go ass to mouth, Randal.
Randal Graves: It's never my idea!

Sanford: Hey, Dante, I'm gonna grab a Gatorade.
Dante Hicks: If you grab a Gatorade, then everyone's gonna grab one.
Sanford: So?
Dante Hicks: So, who's gonna pay for all these Gatorades?
Sanford: What do you care, you shoe polish-smelling motherfucker?
Dante Hicks: Hey, I have a responsibility here. I can't have everybody grabbing free drinks.

Randal Graves: You swung at me!
Dante Hicks: You ducked.
Randal Graves: Because you swung at me!

Bethany: What's he like?
Metatron: God? Lonely. But funny. He's got a great sense of humor. Take sex for example. There's nothing funnier than the ridiculous faces you people make mid-coitus.
Bethany: Sex is a joke in heaven?
Metatron: The way I understand it, it's mostly a joke down here, too.

FREE Movie Newsletter