Popular View Askew-niverse Quotes
Whillenholly: Why are you shooting at me? I'm just a Federal Wildlife Marshall.
Chrissy: Two reasons. One: we're walking, talking, bad girl cliches.
Missy: And two: because you're a man.
Whillenholly: Only on the outside.
Jay: So all we's gotta do is stop this fuckin' movie from getting made!
Holden: Yeah, and forego the hundreds of thousands of dollars you would be entitled to in the process. What are you, fucking retarded? I mean, I don't think I'm alone in the world in imagining this flick may be the worst idea since Greedo shooting first. You know it, but... a Jay and Silent Bob movie? Feature length? Who'd pay to see that?
James Van Der Beek: [about Dawson's Creek] You actually watch that show?
Jay: Yeah, for Joey, man. She is too fine. Did you ever get to third base with her?
James Van Der Beek: Well, actually there was this one time..
Holy Fuck! The little stoner was right!Chrissy
And I can't believe fine-ass bitches like yourselves eat that shit. Don't you know fast food makes girls fart?Jay
Jay: If today is Tuesday and the movie starts filming on Friday, we have... eight days.
Holden: Uh, three by my count, but close.
Jay: Right. My bad. Three days to stop that fucking movie from getting made. Come on, Silent Bob. We're going to Hollywood!
Azrael: Get me a... Holy Bartender.
Bartender: Never heard of it.
Azrael: Ahh, he doesn't know how to make a Holy Bartender. You do, don't you, Muse?
Azrael: Ahh, anybody? No?
[Jay and Silent Bob shake their heads]
Azrael: Well, I know how to make a Holy Bartender...
[Azrael pulls out a gun, shoots the bartender repeatedly, then laughs hysterically]
Azrael: Get it?
Anyone who isn't dead or from another plane of existence would do well to cover their ears right about now.Metatron
Wax on, wax off.Metatron
Metatron: I am to charge you with a holy crusade.
Bethany: For the record, I work in an abortion clinic.
Metatron: Noah was a drunk. Look what he accomplished. And no one's even asking you to build an ark. All you have to do is go to New Jersey, and visit a small church on a very important day.
Bethany: New Jersey? That doesn't sound like much of a crusade.
Metatron: Aside from the fine print, that's it.
Bethany: What's the fine print?
Metatron: [mumbling] Stopacoupleofangelsfromenteringandthusnegatingallexistence.
Bethany: Wait, wait, wait. Repeat that.
Metatron: Stop a couple of angels from entering and thus negating all existence. I hate when people need it spelled out for them.
Rufus: He still digs humanity, but it bothers Him to see the shit that gets carried out in His name - wars, bigotry, televangelism. But especially the factioning of all the religions. He said humanity took a good idea and, like always, built a belief structure on it.
Bethany: Having beliefs isn't good?
Rufus: I think it's better to have ideas. You can change an idea. Changing a belief is trickier. Life should malleable and progressive; working from idea to idea permits that. Beliefs anchor you to certain points and limit growth; new ideas can't generate. Life becomes stagnant.
Gun Salesman: We call this piece the Fecalator. One look at it and the target shits him or herself. Try it on.
Loki: Well, it's a lot more compact than the flaming sword, but it's not nearly as impressive. Just doesn't have that Wrath-of-the-Almighty edge to it. I mean, come on, how am I supposed to strike fear into the hearts of the wicked with this thing? Look at this...
Bartleby: Well, then, you know, don't use a gun. Just lay the place to waste, like.
Loki: Easy for you to say. You get off light in razing. You got to stand there and read at Sodom and Gomorrah, I had to do all the work.
Bartleby: What work did you do? You lit a few fires.
Loki: I rained down sulphur, man, there's a subtle difference.
Bartleby: Oh, yeah, I'm sure.
Loki: Hey, you know, fuck you, man. Any moron with a pack of matches can set a fire. Raining down sulphur is like an endurance trial man. Mass genocide is the most exhausting activity one can engage in, outside of soccer.