And I'll be, like, "What, you don't know fuckin' Jay and Silent Bob? The fuckin' mack daddys of fuckin' Jersey?" And she'll be, like, "Oh, I've read on the Internet that youse guys are a couple of little ... fuckholes!"

Jay

[waking from a dream] I didn't cum on you, Pete, I swear.

Jay

Missy: Oh my god, he just called Sissy 'Juggs'.
Chrissy: I'm on it.
[pulls out knife]
Jay: What's with the knife, we havin' cake or something?
Chrissy: Great, he's retarded to boot.
Jay: [to Silent Bob] Dude, she called you retarded.

Randal Graves: All right, look, there's only one "Return," okay, and it ain't "of the King," it's "of the Jedi."
Hobbit Lover: Oh, Star Wars geek.
Randal Graves: Oh, I'm the geek? Look at you two whipping out your preciouses.
Elias: You'll have to excuse him, he's not "down" with the trilogy.
Randal Graves: Oh, what the fuck happened to this world? There's only one trilogy, you fucking morons.

Jay: Silent Bob stole the schematics from some foolish carpenter and found a weakness just like the fucking Death Star. You knock this crossbeam out and, fuckin' bickety-bam, the whole stage comes crashing down.
Brodie: Well we were thinking of something simple, but hey, if you want to destroy the stage, we're all for that.

Randal Graves: So your argument is that title dictates behavior?
Dante Hicks: What?
Randal Graves: The reason you won't let me borrow your car is because I have a title and a job description, and I'm supposed to follow it, right?
Dante Hicks: Exactly.

I'm offering you my body and you're offering me semantics.

Caitlin Bree

I've had some girlfriends too, but all they wanted from me was weed and shit.

Jay

Dante Hicks: Hey, whatcha rent? "Best of Both Worlds"?
Randal Graves: Hermaphroditic porn. Starlets with both organs. You should see the box. Beautiful chicks with dicks that put mine to shame.
Dante Hicks: And you rented this?
Randal Graves: Hey, I like to expand my horizons.

Dante Hicks: Are there any balls down there?
Jay: About the biggest pair you ever seen, dingleberry!

My mom's been fuckin' a dead guy for 30 years. I call him dad.

Randal Graves

Caitlin Bree: Can I use the bathroom?
Randal Graves: Sure, but there's no light back there.
Caitlin Bree: Why aren't there any lights?
Randal Graves: Well, there are, but for some reason they stop working at 5:14 every night. Nobody can figure it out. And the boss doesn't want to pay the electrician to fix it, because the electrician owes money to the video store.
Caitlin Bree: Such a sordid state of affairs.
Randal Graves: And I'm caught right in the middle - torn between my loyalty to the boss and my desire to piss with the lights on.
Caitlin Bree: Well, I'll try to manage.
Randal Graves: Oh, hey Caitlin, break his heart again this time, and I'll kill ya. Nothing personal.

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