Popular View Askew-niverse Quotes
Blue Collar Man: Excuse me, I don't mean to interrupt, but what are you talking about?
Randal Graves: The ending of "Return of the Jedi".
Dante Hicks: My friend here is trying to convince me that any independent contractors working on the uncompleted Death Star were innocent victims when it was destroyed by the Rebels.
Dante Hicks: Somebody put gum in the locks.
Randal Graves: Buncha savages in this town.
Dante Hicks: That's what I said.
Sanford: Hey, I hear Caitlin's marrying an Asian drum major.
Randal Graves: Design major.
Dante Hicks: Can we not talk about this right now?
Sanford: Fine by me, but you're living in denial and suppressing rage, motherfucker!
Dante Hicks: No. I have to leave early to pick up Caitlin. In which case, you're going to have to lock up the store tonight.
Randal Graves: All right, but you're missing out. Chicks with dicks!
Randal Graves: Oh what, what's with you, man? You haven't said anything for like twenty minutes. What the hell's you're problem?
Dante Hicks: This life.
Randal Graves: This life?
Dante Hicks: Why do I have this life?
Randal Graves: Have some chips, you'll feel better.
Dante Hicks: I'm stuck in this pit, working for less than a slave wages. Working on my day off, the goddamn steel shutters are closed, I deal with every backward ass fuck on the planet. I smell like shoe polish. My ex-girlfriend is catatonic after fucking a dead guy. And my present girlfriend has sucked 36 dicks.
Randal Graves: 37.
Caitlin Bree: What are you watching?
Randal Graves: Children's programming.
Randal Graves: Listen to you, you're so repressed.
Dante Hicks: What? Because I never tried to suck my own dick?
Randal Graves: Some guy came into the store refusing to pay late fees. Said the store was closed for two hours yesterday. I tore up his membership.
Dante Hicks: Shocking abuse of authority.
Randal Graves: Hey, I'm a firm believer in the philosophy of a ruling class. Especially since I rule.
Dante Hicks: She was supposed to meet Brad Michaelson in a dark bedroom. She picked the wrong one. She didn't even know I was at the party.
Randal Graves: Oh my God.
Dante Hicks: Great story, huh?
Randal Graves: That girl was vile to you.
Dante Hicks: Interesting post script to that story - you know who wound up with Brad in that dark bedroom?
Randal Graves: Your mother?
Dante Hicks: Alan Harris.
Randal Graves: Chess team Alan Harris?
Dante Hicks: The two moved to Idaho shortly after graduation. They raise sheep.
Randal Graves: That's frightening.
Dante Hicks: Takes different strokes to move the world.
Randal Graves: In light of this, I don't see how you can romanticize your relationship with Caitlin. She broke your heart and inadvertently drove men to deviant lifestyles.
You sound like an asshole! Jesus, nobody twisted your arm to be here. You're here of your own volition. You like to think the weight of the world rests on your shoulder. Like this place would fall apart if Dante wasn't here. Jesus, you overcompensate for having what's basically a monkey's job. You push fucking buttons. Anybody can just waltz in here and do our jobs. You-You're so obsessed with making it seem so much more epic, so much more important than it really is. Christ, you work in a convenience store, Dante! And badly, I might add! I work in a shitty video store, badly as well. You know, that guy Jay's got it right, man. He has no delusions about what he does. Us, we like to make ourselves seem so much more important than the people that come in here to buy a paper, or, god forbid, cigarettes. We look down on them as if we're so advanced. Well, if we're so fucking advanced, what are we doing working here?Randal Graves
This job would be great if it wasn't for the fucking customers.Randal Graves