View Askew-niverse Quotes
Jay: You know, I hear pregnant women can have sex until their third trimester.
Bethany: I'll keep that in mind.
[waking from a dream] I didn't cum on you, Pete, I swear.Jay
Quit leering at me. People are gonna think I just broke up with you.Bartleby
You're looking at eons of repression getting purged. If only they'd let us jerk off.Loki
Rufus: I'm telling you, man, this ceremony is a big mistake.
Cardinal Glick: The Catholic Church does not make mistakes.
Rufus: Please. What about the Church's silent consent to the slave trade?
Bethany: And its platform of non-involvement during the Holocaust?
Cardinal Glick: All right, mistakes were made.
Rufus: We were sent by Him who is called I Am!
Cardinal Glick: Cute. Really cute. Now come on, kids, playtime with the Cardinal is over.
Rufus: Worked for Moses.
Rufus: So what do we do now?
Metatron: Well, I say we get drunk, because I'm all out of ideas.
Your hard-on for smiting has prevented us from negotiating what should be the relatively simple matter of catching or staying on a bus.Bartleby
Serendipity: I'm responsible for nineteen of the twenty top-grossing films of all time.
Serendipity: Yeah, the one about the kid, by himself in his house, burglars trying to get in and he fights them off? I had nothing to do with that one. Somebody sold their soul to Satan to get the grosses up on that piece of shit.
In the three years I followed His ass around Jerusalem, did I ever get laid? Hell no. And I was in my prime. I could've been knee-deep in shepherd's daughters, not to mention fine-ass Mary Magdalene. She had a thing for dark meat, if you follow me.Rufus
Rufus: White folks only want to hear the good shit: life eternal, a place in God's Heaven. But as soon as they hear they're getting this good shit from a black Jesus, they freak. And that, my friends, is called hypocrisy. A black man can steal your stereo, but he can't be your Savior.
Jay: Guys like us just don't fall out of the fucking sky, you know.
[Rufus falls out of the sky]
Jay: Beautiful, naked, big-titted women just don't fall out of the sky, you know.