Wayne: Who are you?
Jim: I'm Jim Morrison.
Wayne: And who's he?
Jim: A weird naked indian.

Wayne Campbell: I mean, there are two Darren Stevens, right? Dick York and Dick Sargeant. Yeah, right, as if we wouldn't notice. Oh hold on: Dick York, Dick Sergeant, Sergeant York... Wow, that's weird.

Benjamin is nobody's friend. If Benjamin were an ice cream flavor, he'd be pralines and dick.

Garth Algar

A gun rack... a gun rack. I don't even own *a* gun, let alone many guns that would necessitate an entire rack. What am I gonna do... with a gun rack?

Wayne Campbell

I once thought I had mono for an entire year. It turned out I was just really bored.

Wayne Campbell

Garth, marriage is punishment for shoplifting in some countries.

Wayne Campbell

Wayne: Here we are, at Piccadilly Circus!
Garth: Wow, what a shitty circus.
Wayne: Good call. There's no animals or clowns! What a ripoff!

That is a babe. She makes me feel kinda funny, like when we used to climb the rope in gym class.

Garth Algar

Cassandra: Yeah, and if a frog had wings it wouldn't bump its ass when it hopped.
Wayne Campbell: Interesting. Where did you learn English?
Cassandra: College... and the Police Academy movies.

Garth Algar: Did you ever find Bugs Bunny attractive when he put on a dress and played girl bunny?
Wayne Campbell: No.
[cracks up laughing]
Wayne Campbell: No.
Garth Algar: Neither did I. I was just asking.

Milton: I hate my father. I hate my life. But I feel great! You guys are great. I'm gonna go pick a fight.
Wayne: He's gotten a lot better.
Garth: Way better.

Stacy: Happy anniversary, Wayne.
Wayne Campbell: Stacy, we broke up two months ago.
Stacy: Well, that doesn't mean we can't still go out, does it?
Wayne Campbell: Well, it does actually, that's what breaking up is.

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