Wayne: Look Garth it's Heather Locklear and she's signaling to us. There is a god!
Garth: Heather be thy name.
Wayne, Garth: Scwiiiiiiiiing!

Wayne: You can see him?
Rip Taylor: Well, of course! I mean, how are you gonna miss a half-naked Indian?

Garth: A *sphincter* says *what?*
Bobby Cahn: ...I'm supposed to say what... like I don't get it right?

Del Preston: Did he have a naked Indian?
Wayne: Yes.
Garth: Wow.
Del Preston: I have to ask, didn't you think it was a trifle unnecessary to see the crack in the indians bottom.
Wayne: Yes, absolutely
Del Preston: I had the same dream.

Wayne: Jim, why was I supposed to put on this concert?
Jim: Because you had to learn that it doesn't matter what you do, Cassandra loves you for who you are and that, being an adult means facing resposibility yet still taking the time to have fun.
Wayne: Right, its like coming home on Friday night and doing your homework right away so that your Saturday night is free to just party.
Jim: No I like the way I said it better.
Wayne: OK.

Garth: Wow. Look at this scrapbook.
Wayne: Wow!
Garth: That's you with Led Zeppelin.
Del Preston: Yeh. My old lady put that together. We must've toured every concert hall and venue in America. Me, my old lady, and the road.
Wayne: Is that you and Bob Dylan? Who's that old lady?
Del Preston: That's my old lady.

Jerry Segel: What? Is something wrong?
Wayne: What do you mean?
Jerry Segel: It's my eye, isn't it.
Garth: Why would we want to look at your eye? Is there something wrong with that... weird... eye?
Jerry Segel: There's nothing wrong with my eye. This one just has no pigment. I'm what you call a partial ocular albino, but I'm fine with it. I have perfect 20/20 vision with both eyes. You're serious about putting on a rock concert?
Wayne: Are you kidding? I'd give my right eye.
Jerry Segel: You realise there are certain jurisdictions you'll need to follow.
Garth: I'd like to think I have an eye for details.

Wayne: Okay, you've probably already noticed by now that we're on a little early tonight.
Garth: Usually at this time on Aurora cable, you're watching "Plant World".
Wayne: But they didn't want our 10:30 time slot. But we were able to talk "Plant World" into changing with "Cooking World".
Garth: Although they didn't want to change at first.
Wayne: But fortunately, "White Supremacy World" was cancelled, and all the trades worked out

Wayne & Garth: We're not worthy! We're not worthy! We're not worthy!
Steven Tyler: You're worthy, you're worthy. Get up!

Cassandra: You know, I haven't seen Garth in a while. What's he up to?
Wayne: Oh, Garth's doing his laundry.
Cassandra: Too bad he doesn't have a girlfriend to do HIS laundry.
Wayne: Oh yeah; thanks for doing my laundry. Hey Cassandra, how do you get my clothes so white and fresh-smelling?
Cassandra: It's an age-old Cantonese family method that very few people know about.
Wayne: Ahh... Wait a minute... Calgon? Ancient Chinese secret, huh?

Wayne: Hi, uh we're here to see Handsome Dan. My name is Wayne Campbell
Bjergen Kjergen: Yah, I know. We've been expecting you, Vane Campbell. I am Bjergen Kjargen.
Wayne: Wow I love your accent, where are you from?
Bjergen Kjergen: I am from Sveden.
Wayne: Oh really? Whereabouts in Sweden?
Bjergen Kjergen: Kneurgen, near the Joergen Fjords.
Wayne: Well, nice to meet you, Bjergen Kjargen, from Kneurgen, near the Joergen Fjords. Hmm. Kneurgen, that's in the Klargen Province, near the Biburgen River.
Bjergen Kjergen: Yah hah.
Wayne: Now correct me if I'm wrong. Your annual rainfall varies from about 40 inches in the winter to about 200 inches in the summer, and your chief export is modular furniature. I did a report on Sweden in the eighth grade.
Bjergen Kjergen: Well I am impressed with your quest for knowledge. Educated men are rare.
Wayne: It was really hard, I stayed all night on it. Then the next day, in gym class I was on the minitramp and I got diarrhea. I really wish I hadn't told you that.

Wayne Campbell: All I have to say about that is "asphinctersayswhat".
Noah Vanderhoff: What?
Wayne Campbell: Exactly.

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