Favorite Comedy Quotes
I've just been informed that all your children are missing.
Rosalie Mullins
Marlin: [inside the whale] What's going on?
Dory: I'll ask. Whaaaa...
Marlin: No, no more whale! You can't speak whale!
Dory: Yes I can!
Marlin: No, you can't! You think you can do these things, but you can't, Nemo!
Saul Silver: Look, only reason I started selling pot is so I could put my bubbie in a nice retirement home.
Dale Denton: Oh, yeah, she must be proud of you for that.
Saul Silver: She is really proud of me, and I'm gonna become something, man! As soon as she dies, I'm gonna become a civil engineer. I'm gonna design septic tanks for playgrounds. Little kids can take shits! You idiot, what the hell do you do?
Ivana: Do you know how we keep warm in Russia?
Austin: I can guess, baby.
Ivana: We play chess.
Austin: I guessed wrong.
No, not Janey Briggs. She's got glasses. And a ponytail. Ugh, she's got paint on her overalls. What is that?
Jake
All I care about is getting out of the Vista View apartments, because there ain't no 'vista', there ain't no "view", and there certainly ain't no vista of no view.
Rhonda Deane
[to Charlie] Ever heard of parents? We have parents who love us. You don't, 'cause you're an orphan
Roy
Stu Price: So, uh, are you sure you're qualified to be taking care of that baby?
Alan Garner: What are you talking about? I've found a baby before.
Stu Price: You found a baby before? Where?
Alan Garner: Coffee Bean.
Hedley Lamarr: [cuts in line] You dropped your beads. One please... Uhh... Student?
Cashier: Are you kidding?
Hedley Lamarr: Pain in the ASS...
Bob: Hey, you're doing pretty well for a first-timer.
Marlin: Well, you can't hold on to them forever, can you?
Bill: You know I had a tough time when my oldest went out to the drop off.
Foster: Meow. (5) What is so damn funny?
Larry Johnson: I could have sworn you said meow.
Foster: Do I look like a cat to you, boy? Am I jumpin' around all nimbly bimbly from tree to tree? Am I drinking milk from a saucer? Do you see me eating mice? You stop laughing right meow! (6)
Larry Johnson: Yes sir.
Foster: Meow, (7) I'm gonna have to give you a ticket on this one. No buts meow. (8) It's the law.
[rips off ticket and hands it to man]
Foster: Not so funny meow, (9) is it?
Foster: [Foster gets up to leave, but Mac shakes his hands at him, indicating only nine meows] Meow! (10)
Fuck it, Dude, let's go bowling.
Walter Sobchak
