Favorite Comedy Quotes
Pat: You look nice.
Tiffany: Thank you.
Pat: Oh, I'm not flirting with you.
Tiffany: Oh, I didn't think you were.
Pat: I just see that you made an effort, and I'm gonna be better with my wife. I'm working on that. I wanna acknowledge her beauty. I never used to do that. I do now. Just practicing. How'd Tommy die?
Larry Daley: You know how you were telling me that the key to happiness was something but then the sun came up? I think I figured it out. It's doing what you love.
Teddy Roosevelt: I was going to say diet and exercise, but the love thing is good.
Jake Taylor: That's my wife...
Willie Mays Hayes: Does she know that?
Jake Taylor: Well, she would've been if I hadn't screwed it up... who's that guy she's with?
Willie Mays Hayes: I don't know. He's not wearing a nametag.
Rick Vaughn: Want me to drag him outta here, kick the sh!t out of him?
Phil: You're not my friend!
Alan: Don't say that Phil, are you serious? Even in America!?
Stu: You're the bearded devil!
Nacho: Don't you want a little taste of the glory? See what it tastes like?
If you think that Mick Jagger will still be doing the whole rock star thing at age 50, well, then, you are sorely, sorely mistaken.Dennis Hope
[after seeing Larry slapping Dexter] Dear Lord Larry! Why are you slapping the monkey?Teddy Roosevelt
I was a little boy and somebody made a shitty latch. That's what I think. That's what I think about the whole thing, OK? And I'm not gonna take those drugs anymore, because they have left me completely fucking numb. I have felt so fucking numb to everything I have experienced in my life, OK? And for that... for that I'm here to forgive you. You've always said that all you wanted was for us to have whatever it is we wanted, right? Well, maybe, what Mom wanted more then anything is for it to all be over, and for me, what I want more then anything in the world, is for it to be OK with you for me to feel something again, even if it's pain.Andrew Largeman
Mine. Mine. Mine. Mine.Seagulls
Jacob [scoping out the ski resort]: " I'm gonna make a prediction right now: One of us is gonna start writing a novel, and then we all get snowed in, and then Lou's gonna axe-murder all of us."
Polexia Aphrodisia: Do you have any pot?
William Miller: No. I'm a journalist.
Polexia Aphrodisia: Well, go do your job then. You're on the road, man. It's all happening! Get in there. Go talk to 'em!
Border Crossing Agent: [from trailer ] Why are your eyes so glassy? You been partying?
Ethan Tremblay: No, I have glaucoma.
Border Crossing Agent: What about the dog? Does he have glaucoma? His eyes are glassy too.