Favorite Comedy Quotes
[to Ian's parents] Now, you are family. Okay. All my life, I had a lump at the back of my neck, right here. Always, a lump. Then I started menopause and the lump got bigger from the "hormonees." It started to grow. So I go to the doctor, and he did the bio... the b... the... the bios... the... b... the "bobopsy." Inside the lump he found teeth and a spinal cord. Yes. Inside the lump was my twin.Aunt Voula
Benjamin: This place is perfect! Why didn't you mention it earlier?
Mr. Stevens: It's a bit complicated.
Benjamin: Complicated's okay. What's so complicated about this place?
Mr. Stevens: Well, you see, it's uhhh... (Lion roars, loudly) It's a zoo.
Mr. Stevens: Yay!
Carter: How long this flight?
Lee: Fifteen hours.
Carter: Fifteen hours? What are we gonna do for fifteen hours?
Lee: [Puts on head phones and begins to sing] Huh! War! Uh! Good God "yaw."
Carter: Oh, hell no! Stewardess! Get me another seat!
Cassandra: Yeah, and if a frog had wings it wouldn't bump its ass when it hopped.
Wayne Campbell: Interesting. Where did you learn English?
Cassandra: College... and the Police Academy movies.
Police Chief Grady: I'm sorry about that delousing. Just standard procedure.
Farva: It's powdered sugar.
Police Chief Grady: The lice hate the sugar.
Farva: [deadpanning] It's delicious.
David Seville: [in the car with the chipmuncks] What?
Simon: We're talking chipmuncks, Dave. We can get out of a cat carrier. It's not even hard.
Melissa: You really love animals, don't you?
Ace Ventura: If it gets cold enough.
Nacho: Don't you want a little taste of the glory? See what it tastes like?
Linda: I can fly.
George: You can't fly!
Linda: I believe I can fly.
George: If you're going to get literal with an R. Kelly song, do Trapped in the Closet...
Nicholas Angel: I didn't mean to upset the apple cart.
DS Andy Cartwright: Oh yeah, cause we all sell apples around here, don't we?
Sergeant Turner: You do sell apples don't you?
DS Andy Cartwright: Yeah, and raspberries.
Dr Ray Stantz: You know, it just occurred to me that we really haven't had a successful test of this equipment.
Dr. Egon Spengler: I blame myself.
Dr. Peter Venkman: So do I.
Dr Ray Stantz: Well, no sense in worrying about it now.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Why worry? Each one of us is carrying an unlicensed nuclear accelerator on his back.
I can't believe what a bunch of nerds we are. We're looking up "money laundering" in the dictionary.Peter Gibbons