Favorite Comedy Quotes
Diego: Who just saw some titties?
[Mark, Largeman and Sam raise their hands tentatively]
Diego: Ok. Now everybody calm the fuck down!
I swear to God, her name is Sauvingon Blanc. Show her your Chevron card.Ted
I will make monkeys of these monkeys, for it is their destiny!Horton
[after getting a fist-tap from Woody and nearly wiping out] Man, oh, man. I almost lost it back there. I didn't know what was going on.Dudley Frank
Mikey, DJ interviewer: Well. Thanks for that, Bill.
Billy Mack: For what?
Mikey, DJ interviewer: Well, for actually giving a real answer to a question. Doesn't often happen here on "Radio Watford" I can tell you.
Billy Mack: Ask me anything you like, I'll tell you the truth.
Mikey, DJ interviewer: Uh... best shag you've ever had?
Billy Mack: Britney Spears.
Mikey, DJ interviewer: Wow!
Billy Mack: No, only kidding. She was rubbish.
Eli: Dude, don't mess this up.
Matthew: Mess what up?
Eli: Matt, she's a porn star! Okay? Take her to a motel room and bang her like a beast!
Matthew: Eli, I like this girl.
Eli: And you can still like her with your penis inside her.
Garth Algar: Uhm, Wayne? What do you do if every time you see this one incredible woman, you think you're gonna hurl?
Wayne Campbell: I say hurl. If you blow chunks and she comes back, she's yours. But if you spew and she bolts, then it was never meant to be.
What the city council did was really... give me a challenge, and it's a challenge that I am going to... accept. It's like in the olden days, in the... days of France, when men would slap each other with their gloves... say, y'know...â€D'Artagnan!"... y'know, "how dare you talk to me like that, you!," and... smack 'em!Corky St. Clair
[about to ride cheetah] This is either a really smart move or by far the stupidest thing that we have ever tried.Harold
Bueller?... Bueller?... Bueller?Economics Teacher
Hell, no. I did *not* leave the South Side for this!Mr. Duvall
I can say what I want - I still got Nazi bullets in my ass.Grandpa