Favorite Comedy Quotes
Never take it seriously, you never get hurt. Never get hurt, you can always have fun. And if you ever get lonely, you just go to the record store and visit all your friends.Penny Lane
If he tells you to stick the drugs in your ass, you stick them in your ass.Sergio Roma
Pageant Assistant: Are you authorized to be backstage?
Dwayne: [without stopping] No.
Corky St. Clair: So what I'm understanding here - correct me, if I'm wrong - is that you're not givin' me... any money... so now I'm left basically with nothin', I'm... left with ZERO, in which, in which, what can I do with zero, you know? What can I... I can't do ANYTHIN' with it! I need to, this is my LIFE here we're talking about! We're not just talkin' about, you know, somethin' else, were talking about MY life, you know? And it's forcing me to do somethin' I don't wanna do. To leave. To, to go out and just leave and go home and say, make a clean cut here and say "no way, Corky, you're not puttin' up with these people!" And I'll tell you why I can't put up with you people: because you're BASTARD people! That's what you are! You're just bastard people! And I'm goin' home and I'm gonna... I'm gonna BITE MY PILLOW, is what I'm gonna do!
Raoul Duke: Look, there's two women fucking a polar bear!
Dr. Gonzo: Don't tell me these things. Not now man.
I didn't stay in college for nine years just to go back to my trailer in Idaho!Carrie Mae
That's my bad, I was sending a tweet.Ted
Reverend Cleophus James: The sad sack was sittin' on a block o' stone/Way over in the corner weepin' all alone/
Curtis: The warden said, "Hey, buddy, don't you be no square / if you can't find a partner use a wooden chair!"
Ray: Let's rock, everybody, let's rock/
Mrs. Murphy: Everybody on the whole cell block / Was dancin' to the Jailhouse rock.
Olive: Why were you unhappy?
Frank: I fell in love with someone...
Grandpa [blows nose loudly]
Frank: ... who didn't love me back.
Frank: One of my grad students. I was very much in love with him.
Olive: Him? You fell in love with a boy?
Frank: Very much so.
Olive: That's silly.
Grandpa: There's another word for it...
[after Joel's Princeton interview]
Lana: So, how're we doin'?
Joel Goodson: Looks like University of Illinois!
You know how picky I am about my shoes, and they only go on my feet.Cher
Pissed Off Fat Guy: You know? Somebody should sue you!
Hancock: You know what? You should sue McDonalds, cuz they fucked you up!