Favorite Comedy Quotes
Nemo: Are you all right?
Dory: I don't know where I am... I don't know what's going on. I think I lost somebody but I... I can't remember... and I can't remember...
Nemo: It's okay, it's okay. I'm looking for somebody too. Hey, we can look together.
Dory: I'm Dory.
Nemo: I'm Nemo.
Dory: Nemo? ... That's a nice name.
[sings] From the moment I heard Frau say I had a clone, I knew that I'd be safe cuz I'd never be alone. An evil doctor shouldn't speak aloud about his feelings, my hurt and my pain don't make me too appealing. I'd hoped Scott would look up to me, run the business of the family, head an evil empire just like his dear old dad, give him my love and the things I never had. Scott would think I was a cool guy, return the love I have, make me want to cry, be evil, but have my feelings too, change my life with Oprah and Maya Angelou. But Scott rejected me, c'est la vie, life is cruel, treats you unfairly, even so, a God there must be, Mini Me, you complete me.
Dr. Evil
Toula Portokalos: I'm Greek, right?
Ian Miller: Right?
Toula Portokalos: So, what happens is my dad and uncles, they fight over who gets to eat the lamb brain. And then my aunt Voula forks the eyeball and chases me around with it, try to get me to eat it, 'cause it's gonna make me smart. So, you have two cousins, I have 27 first cousins. Just 27 first cousins alone! And my whole family is big and loud. And everybody is in each other's lives and business. All the time! Like, you never just have a minute alone, just to think, 'Cause we're always together, just eating, eating, eating! The only other people we know are Greeks, 'cause Greeks marry Greeks to breed more Greeks, to be loud breeding Greek eaters.
Ian Miller: Wow.
These men have taken a supreme vow of celibacy, like their fathers, and their fathers before them...
Topper Harley
Cher: "Second notice on an outstanding ticket." I don't remember getting a first notice.
Mel: The TICKET is the first notice.
...I'm Sorry Wendy, but I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
Mr. Garrison
Jacob: "Nobody f***s my mother in the past!"
Kelly: "I feel pregnant."
Lou: "You're welcome."
Austin Powers: Come again?
Alotta Fagina: Alotta Fagina.
Austin Powers: Oh, I'm sorry, I'm just not getting it, it sounds like you said your name was a lot of um... never mind!
King Jaffe Joffer: Time does fly fast, my son. It seems only yesterday I ordered your first diaper changed. Now you're a man about to be married. She will give you much pleasure, don't you think?
Prince Akeem: I'm not sure if I'm ready.
King Jaffe Joffer: Son, I know we never talked about this. I always assumed you had sex with your bathers. I know I do.
Fuck this clown
Columbus
[after getting a fist-tap from Woody and nearly wiping out] Man, oh, man. I almost lost it back there. I didn't know what was going on.
Dudley Frank
Dale: (Looking at sexually explicit photos of himself with Julia) "We did all of this while I was unconscious?"
Julia: "Mmmhmm. Yep."
Dale: "You're a raper, you raped me, that's a rape!"
Julia: "Just relax there, Jodie Foster. Your dick wasn't even hard."
Dale: "That does not give me any relief."
