Favorite Comedy Quotes
Lt. Frank Drebin: Congratulations, Ed! I hear Edna's pregnant again.
Ed Hocken: Yeah, and when I find the guy that did it...
Donkey: Shrek, you know how ogres have layers?
Shrek: Oh, aye?
Donkey: Well, donkeys don't have no layers. We wear our fear right there on our sleeves.
Shrek: But Donkey, donkeys don't wear sleeves.
Donkey: You know what I mean.
Shrek: You can't tell me you're afraid of heights?
Donkey: No, I'm just uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge, over a boiling lake of lava.
Sam: Daniel, I have a plan!
Daniel: Thank the Lord! Tell me.
Sam: Well, girls love musicians, don't they?
Sam: Even the really weird ones get girlfriends.
Daniel: That's right. Meatloaf definitely got laid at least once. For God's sake, Ringo Starr married a Bond girl!
Sam: [looks at him strangely] Whatever.
Dory: Have you seen a clown fish swim by? It looks just like him.
[points at Nemo]
Nemo: But bigger.
Crab: Yeah, I saw him, Bluey, but I'm not telling you where he went, and there's no way you're gonna make me.
[Dory holds crab out of water]
Seagulls: Mine. Mine. Mine.
Crab: Ahh! All right! I'll talk! I'll talk! He went to the fishing grounds!
I don't read the script. The script reads me.Kirk Lazarus
Angie Anderson: Fuck you Dale. I lost my virginity when I was fourteen, okay? How many women have you even slept with?
Dale Denton: Like two and a half.
Angie Anderson: Two and a half? What the fuck does that mean? Your hand doesn't count.
Bear... bearfucker, do you need assistance?Officer Smy
Everybody panic! If you have a small child, use it as a shield! They love tender meat.Jackie Moon
Come on, Thorny, what game are you playing here? I can say "meow". I can say "moo". For twenty bucks, I'll call the guy a "chicken fucker".Farva
I was gonna have you sing 'Burn it Up' by the Jonas Brothers, but then I remembered you don't like Indie music.Alan
I'm Winston Zeddmore, Your Honor. I've only been with the company for a couple of weeks, but these things are real. Since I joined these men, I've seen shit that'll turn you white.Winston Zeddemore
Years ago I wrote this short story about my Mother called "The Castrating Zionist"Isaac Davis