Favorite Comedy Quotes
[about the concert]
Norah: Are you sorry we missed it?
Nick: No. This is it.
Being bad feels pretty good, huh?John Bender
Dale Doback: Why are you so sweaty?
Brennan Huff: I was watching Cops.
There is no perfect cookie!Suzie Barnes-Eilhauer
From that fateful day when stinking bits of slime first crawled from the sea and shouted to the cold stars, "I am man.", our greatest dread has always been the knowledge of our mortality. But tonight, we shall hurl the gauntlet of science into the frightful face of death itself. Tonight, we shall ascend into the heavens. We shall mock the earthquake. We shall command the thunders, and penetrate into the very womb of impervious nature herself.Dr. Frederick Frankenstein
Why don't you tell your daddy to comb his damn hair, look like some spiders is having a meetin' on his head.Smokey
Wayne Campbell: [holding a bag of Doritos] Maybe I'm wrong on this one, but for me, the beast doesn't include selling out. Garth, you know what I'm talking about, right?
Garth Algar: [wearing Reebok wardrobe] It's like people only do these things because they can get paid. And that's just really sad.
Wayne Campbell: I can't talk about it anymore; it's giving me a headache.
Garth Algar: Here, take two of these!
[Dumps two Nuprin pills into Wayne's hand]
Wayne Campbell: Ah, Nuprin. Little. Yellow. Different.
Benjamin: Look, you can stay here in the big leagues and play by the rules, or you can go back to the farm club in Aurora. It's your choice.
Wayne Campbell: [holding a can of Pepsi] Yes, and it's the choice of a new generation.
[Looking at the bullet holes in his robe] It's a miracle. I am invincible. Roy! Invincible!Roy O'Bannon
MacGruber: Your companion is a very beautiful young woman.
Dieter Von Cunth: Thank you.
MacGruber: I hope you enjoy being date raped, ma'am.
Dieter Von Cunth: This is my daughter.
If the pigs were gathering in Vegas, I felt the drug culture should be represented as well. And there was a certain bent appeal in the notion of running a savage burn on one Las Vegas hotel, and then just wheeling across town and checking into another. Me and a thousand ranking cops from all over America. Why not? Move confidently into their midst.Raoul Duke
I went to sleepaway camp so long ago that it was the Stone Age. No, but seriously, it wasn't the Stone Age... it was the Ice Age! No, really, it was the Stone Age.Alan Shemper
Melissa: You really love animals, don't you?
Ace Ventura: If it gets cold enough.