Favorite Comedy Quotes
Heywood: You really knocked the crap out of that one.
Willie Mays Hayes: Oh, I plan to get at least a double out of this. [shows Heywood his black gloves] I bought a hundred of these. One for every base I'm gonna steal. Excuse me while I take my first step toward the Hall of Fame.
Heywood: My ass.
Hitchhiker: No! No, no, not 6! I said 7. Nobody's comin' up with 6. Who works out in 6 minutes? You won't even get your heart goin, not even a mouse on a wheel.
Ted: That - good point.
Hitchhiker: 7's the key number here. Think about it. 7-Elevens. 7 doors. 7, man, that's the number. 7 chipmunks twirlin' on a branch, eatin' lots of sunflowers on my uncle's ranch. You know that old children's tale from the sea. It's like you're dreamin' about Gorgonzola cheese when it's clearly Brie time, baby. Step into my office.
Hitchhiker: 'Cause you're fuckin' fired!
[sees children crossing a river] Look at these assholes!Francis
Sloane: What could happen to it? It's in a garage.
Cameron: It could get wrecked, stolen, scratched, breathed on wrong... a pigeon could shit on it! Who knows?
Ferris Bueller: Four thousand restaurants in the downtown area, I pick the one my father goes to.
Cameron: We're pinched, for sure.
Ferris Bueller: Only the meek get pinched. The bold survive.
Jay: Do they say who's fuckin' playing us in the movie?
Holden: No, but it's Miramax. So I'm sure it'll be Ben Affleck and Matt Damon. They put those guys in a bunch of movies.
Holden: You know, those kids from Good Will Hunting?
Jay: You mean that fuckin' movie with Mork from Ork in it?
Holden: Yeah, I wasn't a big fan either... but Affleck was the bomb in "Phantoms."
Jay: Word, bitch, Phantoms like a mallfucker.
The Stranger: There's just one thing, Dude.
The Dude: And what's that?
The Stranger: Do you have to use so many cuss words?
The Dude: What the fuck you talking about?
The Stranger: Okay, Dude. Have it your way.
Dory: Have you seen a clown fish swim by? It looks just like him.
[points at Nemo]
Nemo: But bigger.
Crab: Yeah, I saw him, Bluey, but I'm not telling you where he went, and there's no way you're gonna make me.
[Dory holds crab out of water]
Seagulls: Mine. Mine. Mine.
Crab: Ahh! All right! I'll talk! I'll talk! He went to the fishing grounds!
Michelle: [holds up box of donuts] Want one?
Tommy: I'd better not. I have what doctors call a little bit of a weight problem. I used to grab bear claws as a kid, two at a time, and I'd get them lodged right in this region here.
Hi there. From my neck of the woods, eh? Sorry if I took a snap at you at one time. Fish gotta swim, birds gotta eat.Nigel
This is the West, not the East. The sun may rise where we come from... but here is where it sets.Chon Wang
Dr. Fernandez: [With hispanic accent] It becomes a lethal poison!
Tim Dingman: A little person...?