"I didn't f***in' try and kill myself! If I wanted to kill myself, I'd f***in' kill myself. I'd be awesome at it. Shotgun to the dick."


[after his neighbor changes into a zombie] The first girl I let into my life and she tries to eat me.


He was wearing my Harvard tie. Can you believe it? My Harvard tie. Like oh, sure he went to Harvard.

Louis Winthorpe III

I don't wanna die like Hendrix man!

Jeff Portnoy

Listen Moto Moto. You better treat this lady like a queen because you my friend, you found yourself the perfect women. If I was ever so lucky to find the perfect women I would give her flowers everyday and not just any flowers, okay? Her favorites are orchids, white, and breakfast in bed... six loaves of wheat toast with butter on both sides, no crust. The way she likes it. I'd be her shoulder to cry on and her best friend and I'd spend everyday trying to think of how to make her laugh. She has the most, most amazing laugh. Well that's what I would do if were you.


I am ready to parrrtyyy.


Gimbel's Santa: Let the kid talk.
Buddy: You disgust me! How can you live with yourself?
Gimbel's Santa: Just cool it, Zippy.
Buddy: You sit on a throne of lies.

Mac: Oh, c'mon, we're like the sons you never had.
Captain O'Hagan: If you were my son, Mac, I would've smothered you by now.
Mac: Smothered me in gravy you big dirty man.

Prostitute: [trying to woo Roy] I'll give you a discount.
Roy: That's the most romantic thing a woman has ever said to me.

Stinky Pete the Prospector: How long will it last, Woody? Do you really think Andy is going to take you to college, or on his honeymoon? Andy's growing up, and there's nothing you can do about it. It's your choice, Woody. You can go back, or you can stay with us and last forever. You'll be adored by children for generations.
Woody: [pets Bullseye the Horse, then suddenly decides to stay] Who am I to break up the Roundup Gang?

I will live with you in this hellhole, but I must express myself. If you don't let me gut out this house and make it my own, I will go insane and I will take you with me!


There's no "immunity" to bullets!

Jeff Spoder

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