Favorite Comedy Quotes
Bart: [Jim is trying to sit up from dangling on the ceiling] Need any help?
Jim: Oh, all I can get.
David Seville: [sees Theodore eating something small and brown] Woah Theodore, did you just-?
Alvin: Relax Dave, it's just a raisin.
David Seville: Prove it.
Alvin: [swipes the 'raisin' and eats it] Mmm-hmm.
David Seville: Okay.
Alvin: [he leaves]
Alvin: [quickly spits it out and points a finger at Theodore] Dude, you owe me big time!
That's my bad, I was sending a tweet.Ted
Maxwell Smart: There are 150 special forces snipers surrounding this building.
Siegfried: No there's not.
Maxwell Smart: Would you believe 2 dozen Delta Force commandoes?
Maxwell Smart: How about Chuck Norris with a BB gun.
Hooper: Now... Vader, he's a spiritual brother, y'know, down with the force and all that good shit. Then this cracker, Skywalker, gets his hands on a light saber and the boy decides he's gonna run the fuckin' universe; gets a whole clan of whites together. And they go and bust up Vader's hood, the Death Star. Now what the fuck do you call that?
Banky Edwards: Intergalactic civil war?
Hooper: Gentrification! They gon' drive out the black element to make the galaxy 'safe' for white folks. And Jedi's the most insulting installment! Because Vader's beautiful black visage is sullied when he pulls off his mask to reveal a feeble, crusty, old white man! They tryin' to tell us that deep inside we all wants to be white!
Banky Edwards: Well... isn't that true?
Nurse: Have you ever levitated a nurse before?
Uncle Hendrick: Yes, but that's a very long story.
I don't want you to be the guy in the PG-13 movie everyone's REALLY hoping makes it happen. I want you to be like the guy in the rated R movie, you know, the guy you're not sure whether or not you like yet. You're not sure where he's coming from. Okay? You're a bad man. You're a bad man, Mikey. You're a bad man, a bad man.Trent
Is it that hard to make us look cool?Jeff Bebe
Diego: Who just saw some titties?
[Mark, Largeman and Sam raise their hands tentatively]
Diego: Ok. Now everybody calm the fuck down!
Did I miss something? When did we get to Disneyland?Lone Starr
I can always guess how many jelly beans are in a jelly bean jar, even if I’m wrong.Brick Tamland
Raoul Duke: Look, there's two women fucking a polar bear!
Dr. Gonzo: Don't tell me these things. Not now man.