Maxwell Smart: [after he gets recruited as a new agent] I request a cone of silence.
Maxwell Smart: [he doesn't press the button hard enough so everyone can hear him] Oh, I'm so happy! I'm so happy! This is the best day of my life!
Lloyd: Dude, you didn't press the button hard enough...
Maxwell Smart: Right.

Pooter, you're looking quite dapper this morning.

Shelley Darlingson

Now I want you to take a step back... and literally, FUCK YOUR OWN FACE! I don't know what kind of bullshit you're trying to pull here, but Asian Jack is my territory and if you're thinking otherwise, you've better to think again! Otherwise I'm gonna have to head out there and I will bring a Godly fucking fire upon you! I'm talking about a scorched earth, motherfucker! I will massacre you! I WILL FUCK YOU UP!

Les Grossman

Billy Madison: I swear to God I'm sick. I can't go to school.
Juanita: If you're gonna stay home today, you can help me shave my armpits.
Billy Madison: Oh my God. I'll go to school.

That guy's being awfully forward with that donkey.

Jay

The post-game show is brought to you by... Christ, I can't find it. To hell with it.

Harry Doyle

Ramón: You just got to do exactly what I say!
Mumble: Okay.
Ramón: Did I say "okay"?
Mumble: No.
Ramón: No. What did I say?
Mumble: Do exactly what you say.
Ramón: EXACTLY what I say!

Throw to first... Hayes is picked off! Personally, I think we got hosed on that call.

Harry Doyle

Jock: [at a party] What's up, babes?
Womynist #1: Pack up your rape culture and take a hike!
Jock: [holds up a beer] You want a brew dog?
Womynist #1: We're not interested in your penis!
Womynist #2: Wait, wait, I think he's offering us a beer.

Jeffy just doesn't know what's happening to his body...

Steve Barker

[watching the elephant seals]
Raul: I don't think they are penguin eaters, are they?
Ramón: I believe they are herbivores.
Raul: Uh?
Ramón: You know, kelp suckers!

Heywood: You really knocked the crap out of that one.
Willie Mays Hayes: Oh, I plan to get at least a double out of this. [shows Heywood his black gloves] I bought a hundred of these. One for every base I'm gonna steal. Excuse me while I take my first step toward the Hall of Fame.
Heywood: My ass.

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