Favorite Comedy Quotes
Throw to first... Hayes is picked off! Personally, I think we got hosed on that call.Harry Doyle
[to Jake] Cerrano's looking for some extra power for tonight. He's looking to sacrifice a live chicken. Man, we can't have people puking in the locker room before the game!Willie Mays Hayes
But you know the thing about romance is people only get together right at the very end.Sam
Mikey, DJ interviewer: How do you think this new record compares to your old, classic stuff?
Billy Mack: Oh come on Mikey, you know as well as I do the record's crap. But wouldn't it be great if number one this Christmas wasn't some smug teenager but an old ex-heroin addict searching for a comeback at any price? Those young popsters come Christmas will be stretched out naked with a cute bird balancing on their balls and I'll be stuck in some dingy flat with me manager Joe, ugliest man in the world, fucking miserable because our fucking gamble didn't pay off. So if you believe in Father Christmas, children, like your Uncle Billy does, buy my festering turd of a record. And particularly enjoy the incredible crassness of the moment when we try to squeeze an extra syllable into the fourth line.
Mikey, DJ interviewer: I think you're referring to "If you really love Christmas..."
Billy Mack: "Come on and let it snow." Ouch.
[watching the elephant seals]
Raul: I don't think they are penguin eaters, are they?
RamÃ³n: I believe they are herbivores.
RamÃ³n: You know, kelp suckers!
Mikey, DJ interviewer: Well. Thanks for that, Bill.
Billy Mack: For what?
Mikey, DJ interviewer: Well, for actually giving a real answer to a question. Doesn't often happen here on "Radio Watford" I can tell you.
Billy Mack: Ask me anything you like, I'll tell you the truth.
Mikey, DJ interviewer: Uh... best shag you've ever had?
Billy Mack: Britney Spears.
Mikey, DJ interviewer: Wow!
Billy Mack: No, only kidding. She was rubbish.
Leopard Seal: Come here, sausage. I take you with ketchup!
RamÃ³n: Yeah, but first you gotta catch up!
Marty DiBergi: You two were at school together?
Nigel Tufnel: We're not university material.
David St. Hubbins: What's that on your finger?
Nigel Tufnel: It's my gum.
David St. Hubbins: What are you doing with it on your finger?
Nigel Tufnel: I might need it later.
David St. Hubbins: Put it on the table, that's terrible.
Nigel Tufnel: No, I might forget it on the table.
David St. Hubbins: [to Marty] Fucking awful, you can't take him anywhere.
Let us go get the shit kicked out of us by love.Sam
Eli: Dude, don't mess this up.
Matthew: Mess what up?
Eli: Matt, she's a porn star! Okay? Take her to a motel room and bang her like a beast!
Matthew: Eli, I like this girl.
Eli: And you can still like her with your penis inside her.
They're filming midgets!Ray
Kip: It's a time machine, Napoleon. We bought it online.
Napoleon Dynamite: Yeah, right.
Kip: It works, Napoleon. You don't even know.