You know, sometimes I wish I did a little more with my life instead of hanging out in front of places selling weed and shit. Like, maybe be an animal doctor. Why not me? I like seals and shit. Or maybe an astronaut. Yeah... be the first motherfucker to see a new galaxy, or find a new alien life form... and fuck it. People would be like, "There he goes. Homeboy fucked a Martian once."

Jay

What the city council did was really... give me a challenge, and it's a challenge that I am going to... accept. It's like in the olden days, in the... days of France, when men would slap each other with their gloves... say, y'know...”D'Artagnan!"... y'know, "how dare you talk to me like that, you!," and... smack 'em!

Corky St. Clair

I gotta wonder what a bastard I have been. That nobody was there to claim me. I mean I am not the most charming guy on the world so I've been told... but... nobody?

Hancock

Janey: I read Sylvia Plath, I listen to Bikini Kill and I eat Tofu. I am a unique rebel.
Mitch: It sounds more like you're a lesbo.
Mr. Briggs: Hey, Mitch, now leave your sister alone.
Janey: Thank you, daddy.
Mr. Briggs: If Janey wants to be a rug-muncher, that's her decision.

I'm in a rut, we're in a rut. Let's shape things up. I have an idea, let's get married! I don't have a ring...

Danny

Billy Madison: I swear to God I'm sick. I can't go to school.
Juanita: If you're gonna stay home today, you can help me shave my armpits.
Billy Madison: Oh my God. I'll go to school.

Ramón: You just got to do exactly what I say!
Mumble: Okay.
Ramón: Did I say "okay"?
Mumble: No.
Ramón: No. What did I say?
Mumble: Do exactly what you say.
Ramón: EXACTLY what I say!

Mikey, DJ interviewer: Well. Thanks for that, Bill.
Billy Mack: For what?
Mikey, DJ interviewer: Well, for actually giving a real answer to a question. Doesn't often happen here on "Radio Watford" I can tell you.
Billy Mack: Ask me anything you like, I'll tell you the truth.
Mikey, DJ interviewer: Uh... best shag you've ever had?
Billy Mack: Britney Spears.
Mikey, DJ interviewer: Wow!
Billy Mack: No, only kidding. She was rubbish.

Mark: Why'd you scratch his C D?
Steve Barker: Jeffy just admiring it.
Mark: Do it again and you'll be admiring my butt from the pavement with a straw.
Steve Barker: ... What?
Mark: You heard me!

Thomas: JIMMY! Can I have your autograph?
Jimmy: Get it off eBay!
Thomas: Who is eBay?

[watching the elephant seals]
Raul: I don't think they are penguin eaters, are they?
Ramón: I believe they are herbivores.
Raul: Uh?
Ramón: You know, kelp suckers!

I left Elton John's, where there were a hefty number of half-naked chicks with their mouths open, to hang out with you, at Christmas. It's a terrible mistake, Chubs, but you turn out to be the fucking love of my life. And to be honest, despite all my complaining, we have had a wonderful life.

Billy Mack

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