I will live with you in this hellhole, but I must express myself. If you don't let me gut out this house and make it my own, I will go insane and I will take you with me!


C'mon Meat, throw me that weak-ass shit!

Crash Davis

I think Eskimos are smug.


Pat Healy: Really, it's only a side thing for my true passion.
Mary: And what's that?
Pat Healy: I work with retards.
Mary: Isn't that a little politically incorrect?
Pat Healy: Yeah, maybe, but hell, no one's gonna tell me who I can and can't work with.

[after Joel's Princeton interview]
Lana: So, how're we doin'?
Joel Goodson: Looks like University of Illinois!

Airplane Stewardess: [lisping] Peanuts?
Ace: Yes, I have one right here. It's bulky, but I consider it carry-on.

Vanessa Loring: How do I look?
Bren: Like a new mom. Scared shitless.

I haven't laughed that hard since I was a little girl. Thank you.

Dr. Evil

[quoting Benjamin Franklin] Politicians are a lot like diapers. They should be changed frequently, and for the same reason.

Tom Dobbs

I look like Snuggles' accountant.


John: Alright: Brandy, Heather, Channing, Brianna, Amber, Serena, Melody, Dakota, Sierra, Bambi, Crystal, Samantha, Autumn, Ruby, Taylor, Tara, Tammy, Lauren, Charlene, Chantelle, Courtney, Misty, Jenny, Krista, Mindy, Noel, Shelby, Trina, Reba, Cassandra, Nikki, Kelsey, Shawna, Jolene, Urleen, Claudia, Savannah, Casey, Dolly, Kendra, Kylie, Chloe, Devon, Emmalou, fucking Becky?
Ted: No.
John: Wait, was it any one of those names with a Lynn after it?
Ted: Yes.
John: Okay, Brandy Lynn, Heather Lynn...
Ted: Tammy Lynn.
John: Fuck!

Jim's Dad: And who might you be?
Stifler's Mom: I'm Stifler's mom.
Jim's Dad: Oh! I'm Jim's dad...

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