Favorite Comedy Quotes
At the Derek Zoolander Center For Children Who Can't Read Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too, we teach you that there's more to life than being really, really good looking.Derek Zoolander
Lloyd: What the hell are we doing here, Harry? We gotta get out of this town!
Harry: Oh yeah, and go where? Where are we gonna go?
Lloyd: I'll tell you where. Someplace warm. A place where the beer flows like wine. Where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. I'm talking about a little place called Aspen.
Harry: Oh, I don't know, Lloyd. The French are assholes.
Old Timer at Gas Station: This is one sweet ride.
[commenting on the Mercedes as Alan is pumping the gas]
Alan Garner: Don't touch it. Don't even look at it. Don't look at me.
[the old man walks away]
Alan Garner: That's right. You better walk on. I'll hit an old man in public!
Saul: No... I see. The monkey's out of the bottle now!
Dale Denton: What? That's not even.. a figure of speech.
Saul: Pandora can't go back into the box, he only comes out.
Barry Badrinath: I was in Thailand, playing Ping-Pong in Ding Dang. I was in a real high-stakes game in some opium den. Turned out the guys I was playing aren't the kind of guys who like to lose. After I beat them... they beat me. Worked me over pretty good. And this is hard to say... but they held me down... and they shoved a ping pong paddle up my ass. It's never been the same. I'm damaged goods.
Steve "Fink" Finklestein: Gosh, Barry, I'm so sorry. I don't know what I would do if somebody shoved a paddle handle up my ass.
Barry Badrinath: Wasn't the handle. I've been shitting pancakes ever since.
Brooke: My sister has been through a lot...
Gary: ...of dick!
A gun rack... a gun rack. I don't even own *a* gun, let alone many guns that would necessitate an entire rack. What am I gonna do... with a gun rack?Wayne Campbell
Skipper: We've lost engine one.
Private: And engine two is no longer on fire.
Kowalski: [on the microphone] This is your captain speaking. I have good news and bad news. The good news is that we will be landing immediately.
Kowalski: The bad news is we're crash landing.
Dan Marino: Hey Ace, got anymore of that gum?
Ace Ventura: That's none of your damn business and I'll thank you to stay out of my personal affairs.
SEAN! You're my same height, that is neat.Don.Durkett
Farva: Don't call me radio, unit 91.
Mac: Then don't call me unit 91, radio.
Farva: Are you done?
Come on out. Oh, the weather outside is weather...Surfing Instructor