Favorite Comedy Quotes
Old Timer at Gas Station: This is one sweet ride.
[commenting on the Mercedes as Alan is pumping the gas]
Alan Garner: Don't touch it. Don't even look at it. Don't look at me.
[the old man walks away]
Alan Garner: That's right. You better walk on. I'll hit an old man in public!
A gun rack... a gun rack. I don't even own *a* gun, let alone many guns that would necessitate an entire rack. What am I gonna do... with a gun rack?Wayne Campbell
At the Derek Zoolander Center For Children Who Can't Read Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too, we teach you that there's more to life than being really, really good looking.Derek Zoolander
General Aladeen: You're an Apple Genius, so what do you do?
Nadal: Mostly I clean semen out of laptops.
Ulysses Everett McGill: Deceitful, two-faced she-woman. Never trust a female Delmar, remember that one simple precept and your time with me will not have been ill spent.
Delmar O'Donnell: Ok, Everett.
Ulysses Everett McGill: Hit by a train! Truth means nothing to a woman, Delmar. Trying for the subjective. You ever been with a woman?
Delmar O'Donnell: Well, I... I... I gotta get the family farm back before I can start thinking about that.
Ulysses Everett McGill: That's right, if then. Believe me Delmar, woman is the most fiendish instrument of torture ever devised to bedevil the days of man.
My story starts at sea... a perilous voyage to an unknown land... a shipwreck... the wild waters roar and heave... the brave vessel is dashed all to pieces, and all the helpless souls within her drowned... all save one... a lady... whose soul is greater than the ocean... and her spirit stronger than the sea's embrace... not for her a watery end, but a new life beginning on a stranger shore. It will be a love story... for she will be my heroine for all time. And her name will be Viola.William Shakespeare
Lloyd: What the hell are we doing here, Harry? We gotta get out of this town!
Harry: Oh yeah, and go where? Where are we gonna go?
Lloyd: I'll tell you where. Someplace warm. A place where the beer flows like wine. Where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. I'm talking about a little place called Aspen.
Harry: Oh, I don't know, Lloyd. The French are assholes.
Barry Badrinath: I was in Thailand, playing Ping-Pong in Ding Dang. I was in a real high-stakes game in some opium den. Turned out the guys I was playing aren't the kind of guys who like to lose. After I beat them... they beat me. Worked me over pretty good. And this is hard to say... but they held me down... and they shoved a ping pong paddle up my ass. It's never been the same. I'm damaged goods.
Steve "Fink" Finklestein: Gosh, Barry, I'm so sorry. I don't know what I would do if somebody shoved a paddle handle up my ass.
Barry Badrinath: Wasn't the handle. I've been shitting pancakes ever since.
Brooke: My sister has been through a lot...
Gary: ...of dick!
Jeremy Grey: [quarterbacking a touch football game] John! Red seven!
John Beckwith: I don't know what red seven means.
Jeremy Grey: Hot route!
John Beckwith: I don't... What is hot route?
Jeremy Grey: Will you just go stand on the other side please?
Sometimes when you snort coke, your heart stops and starts up again. Read a book!Mr. Chow
Farva: Don't call me radio, unit 91.
Mac: Then don't call me unit 91, radio.
Farva: Are you done?