Favorite Comedy Quotes
Come on, Thorny, what game are you playing here? I can say "meow". I can say "moo". For twenty bucks, I'll call the guy a "chicken fucker".Farva
I'm gettin' too fat for this s***.Larry
Danny Butterman: Have you ever fired two guns whilst jumping through the air?
Nicholas Angel: No.
Danny Butterman: Have you ever fired one gun whilst jumping through the air?
Nicholas Angel: No.
Danny Butterman: Ever been in a high-speed pursuit?
Nicholas Angel: Yes, I have.
Danny Butterman: Have you ever fired a gun whilst in a high speed pursuit?
Nicholas Angel: No!
Josh: You know maybe Marky Mark wants to use his popularity for a good cause, make a contribution. In case you've never heard of that, a contribution is...
Cher: Excuse me, but I have donated many expensive Italian outfits to Lucy, and as soon I get my license, I fully intend to brake for animals, and I have contributed many hours to helping two lonely teachers find romance.
Josh: Which I'll bet serves your interests more than theirs. You know, If I ever saw you do anything that wasn't ninety percent selfish, I'd die of shock.
Cher: Oh, that'd be reason enough for me.
No you're not hardcore! Unless you live hardcore! And the legend of the rent was way hardcore!Dewey Finn
At this point, you might be asking yourself, 'why am I holding this 30lb. Cinder block in my hands? You might also ask yourself, 'why does this cinder block have a long piece of string tied to it? And finally, why is the other end of this string tied securely to your penis?Mitch
Cameron: We are screwed.
Michael: Hey, no, hey. I don't wanna hear that defeatist attitude... I wanna hear you upbeat!
Cameron: [more upbeat] We are screwed!
Michael: There ya go.
Jay: Yo man, tell me something about me.
Rufus: You masturbate more than anyone on the planet.
Jay: Aww, fuck, everyone knows that. Tell me something nobody knows.
Rufus: When you do it, you're thinking about guys.
[shocked Silent Bob stares at Jay]
Jay: Dude, not all the time.
Joan Baxter: Maybe God didn't mean a flood in the literal sense. Maybe he meant a flood of... awareness.
Evan Baxter: If that's true... I'm going to be so pissed.
Ted: I look stupid.
John: No, you don't, you look dapper!
Ted: John, I look like something you give to your kid when you tell him Grandma died.
Yes it is. You are a human affront to all women and I am a woman.Sally Albright
All right, I gotta get this speck up to the top of Mount Nool A.S.A.P, whatever that means, probably act swiftly awesome packaderm! I mean, how hard can that be?Horton