Dr. Patel: I will not tolerate this business from you any longer. You have one more interview tomorrow morning, and if I hear from Dr. Wein that you are anything short of spectacular, I'll completely cut you off.
Kumar: Dad, come on.
Dr. Patel: Daddy is not coming on anything!

You're on a gravy train with biscuit wheels.

Ernie McCracken

Harold: ...The universe tends to unfold as it should.
Kumar: What is that? Some fortune cookie?

Peter Gibbons: Boy, I'll tell ya, some days... One of these days it's gonna be just like
[He mimics the sound of a machine gun. Brian, a waiter, walks up and does the same and laughs]
Brian: So can I get you gentlemen something more to drink? Or maybe something to nibble on? Some Pizza Shooters, Shrimp Poppers, or Extreme Fajitas?
Peter Gibbons: Just coffee.
Brian: Okay. Sounds like a case of the Mondays.

Claire Standish: What's your name?
John Bender: What's yours?
Claire Standish: Claire.
John Bender: Claire?
Claire Standish: Claire. It's a family name.
John Bender: Oh, it's a fat girl's name.
Claire Standish: Oh, thank you.
John Bender: You're welcome.
Claire Standish: I'm not fat.
John Bender: Well, not at present.

Emily: One time an assistant left the desk, because she, I don't know, sliced her hand open with a letter opener. Miranda missed Lagerfeld who had boarded a seventeen hour flight to Australia. She now works at TV Guide.
Andy Sachs: Man the desk at all times. Got it.

Gentlemen start your engines! It's gonna be a bumpy ride!

Neil Patrick Harris

...And will you, for the love of God, put on a fucking shirt?

Phil Foster

Peter Gibbons: Um, the 7-Eleven, right? You take a penny from the tray.
Joanna: From the crippled children?
Peter Gibbons: No, that's the jar. I'm talking about the tray, the pennies for everybody. We're basically doing the same thing only we take it from a much bigger tray and we do it a couple of million times.

Incredible; that guy is the Deion Sanders of retards.

Michael

Andy Sachs: I thought only the first assistant went to the benefit
Miranda Priestly: Only when the first assistant hasn't decided to become an incubus of viral plague.

I'm sorry, do you have some prior commitment? Some hideous skirt convention you have to go to?

Emily

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