Favorite Comedy Quotes
Marissa: Listen, I'm sorry I didn't call you on your birthday.
Frank: My birthday? What do you mean?
Marissa: Yeah, last Thursday. Oh, you forgot your birthday, didn't you, Frank?
Frank: Damn it. I'm such an idiot.
My life is good. Real good.Nacho
There's no "immunity" to bullets!Jeff Spoder
With a bit of luck, his life was ruined forever. Always thinking that just behind some narrow door in all of his favorite bars, men in red woolen shirts are getting incredible kicks from things he'll never know.Raoul Duke
Sid Garner: Don't let Alan drive, because there's something wrong with him.
Doug Billings: Understood.
Sid Garner: Oh, and Phil either. I don't like him.
Kumar: Man, I blew it. I blew it, man.
Anthony: Kumar, what were you doing in the freezer?
Kumar: I don't know, man, I lose my touch, man.
Dignan: Did you ever have a touch to lose, man?
Michelle: [holds up box of donuts] Want one?
Tommy: I'd better not. I have what doctors call a little bit of a weight problem. I used to grab bear claws as a kid, two at a time, and I'd get them lodged right in this region here.
I'm sorry, do you have some prior commitment? Some hideous skirt convention you have to go to?Emily
Fezzik: You never said anything about killing anyone.
Vizzini: I've hired you to help me start a war. It's an prestigious line of work. A long and glorious tradition.
Fezzik: I just don't think it's right, killing an innocent girl.
Vizzini: Am I going mad, or did the word "think" escape your lips? You were not hired for your brains, you hippopotamic land mass.
Inigo Montoya: I agree with Fezzik.
Vizzini: Oh, the sot has spoken. What happens to her is not truly your concern. I will kill her. And remember this, never forget this: when I found you, you were so slobbering drunk, you couldn't buy brandy! And you... Friendless, brainless, helpless, hopeless! Do you want me to send you back to where you were? Unemployed in Greenland!
The universe is an infinite sphere whose center is everywhere and whose circumference is nowhere.Bernard Jaffe
[Russell grabs phone from William] Hey, mom! Its Russell Hammond. I play guitar in Stillwater. Hey, how does it feel to be the mother of the greatest rock journalist we've met? Hello? Hello? Look, you've got a really great kid here. There's nothing to worry about. We're taking good care of him, and you should come to the show sometime - join the circus...Russell Hammond
Bartleby Gaines: Why'd you get fired?
Glen: I got fired for making a shrimp slushy.
Bartleby Gaines: That's disgusting! Why would you do that pal?
Glen: 'Cause I was hungry and thirsty!