Favorite Comedy Quotes
Annie Savoy: Oh, where are you going?
Crash Davis: After 12 years in the minor leagues, I don't try out. Besides, uh, I don't believe in quantum physics when it comes to matters of the heart.
Annie Savoy: What do you believe in, then?
Crash Davis: Well, I believe in the soul, the cock, the pussy, the small of a woman's back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days.
Desperation is a stinky cologne.Police Chief Grady
Elizabeth Swann: It's real!
Norrington: You actually were telling the truth.
Jack Sparrow: I do that quite a lot. Yet people are always surprised.
Will Turner: With good reason.
Dale Denton: How could he find us?
Saul: Umm, heat-seeking missiles, bloodhounds, foxes, barracudas.
Dale Denton: It's just... I'm kinda flabbergasted when you say things like that. It's weird.
Saul: Thank you.
Dale Denton: Not a compliment.
[singing, to the tune of "The Teddy Bears' Picnic"] Once there was a magical elf who lived in a rainbow tree/ He lived downstairs from a flatulent dwarf who constantly had to pee/ One day the elf could take no more/ so he went to bang on the rude dwarf's door/ and what do you know, they suddenly both were marrrrried.Elliot
Elizabeth Swann: There will come a moment when you will have a chance to show it. To do the right thing.
Jack Sparrow: I love those moments. I like to wave at them as they pass by.
Little Rock: [as he is dying] Do you have any regrets?
Bill Murray: Maybe Garfield.
You made me swallow my gum! That's going to be in my digestive tract for seven years!Gideon Gordon Graves
Corporate accounts payable, Nina speaking. JUST a moment. Corporate accounts payable, Nina speaking. JUST a moment. Corporate accounts payable, Nina speaking. JUST a moment.Nina
[ogling woman] Very nice, very nice! How much?Borat
I hope you have a big trunk... because I'm puttin' my bike in it.Andy Stitzer
David: Hey, Paula.
David: I gotta tell you something. I'm really excited about it. Uh, for the first time, today, I woke up, I came to the store, and I - I feel confident to say to you that if you don't take this Michael McDonald DVD - that you've been playing for two years straight - off, I'm going to kill everyone in the store and put a bullet in my brain!
Paula: David, what do you suggest we play?
David: I don't care. Anything! I would rather - I would rather watch "Beautician And The Beast". I would rather listen to Fran Drescher for eight hours than have to listen to Michael McDonald. Nothin' against him, but if I hear "Yah Mo B There" one more time, I'm going to Yah Mo Burn This Place To The Ground.