Favorite Comedy Quotes
Mike: Hi there, this is Mike Donnelly. I work over here at the recreational center. To be honest with you I pretty much run the place ha, ha, ha. Is this ah Pat Gyles? Good, Good. Hey, hope everything's going great in your fine town of er Avery? Edward! Ha, ha, ha. Say, the reason I'm calling is I wanted to tell you a little bit about the candidacy of Al Donnelly. Al Donnelly's a guy with a dream. His dream is to become governor of this great state of Washington. Hell, every guy's got his dream, am I right? Between you, me and the wall here, I doozy myself last night. Ha ha, ha, ha. Get this: A corn-fed harvest mouse, a hooker, a nun, a Flemish peasant woman, whips, chains, whistles yo-yo's, a circus midget. My grandmother riding by on a bicycle give me the finger, and a duck! Now, I don't know ha, ha, ha. Are you crying? Oh my lord. I am sorry honey, please don't ! Could you get your daddy on the phone. No, don't hang up please I...
Are those sad tissues or happy tissues?Kemo
Now really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding?Lord Farquaad
I love you too, but I'm gonna mace you in the face!Jack
Ribbed for her pleasure. Ewww.Garth Algar
You know how when you grab a woman's breast... it feels like... a bag of sand.Andy Stitzer
Can we make out now?Paulie Bleeker
You can do it... you can do it all night loong!Townie
OK, so... so... sometimes I lie. I mean, I'm weird, man. About random stuff too, I don't even know why I do it. It's like... it's like a tick, I mean sometimes I hear myself say something and think, Wow, that wasn't even remotely true.Sam
Fuck the po-lice!Saul
Cartman: Don't call me fat, you fucking Jew!
Mr. Garrison: Eric, did you just say the F-word?
Kyle: No, he's talking about "fuck". You can't say "fuck" in school, you fucking fat ass!
Chef: Haven't you heard of the Emancipation Proclamation?
General: I don't listen to hip-hop.