Jay: Man, my balls are shaved, my pubes are trimmed, I'm ready to fuckin' rock this shit!
Jonah: What the fuck, man? If I go in there and see fuckin' pubes sprinkled on the toilet seat, I'm gonna fuckin' loose my mind! Last time I went to the bathroom, Jay, I took a shit and my shit looked like a fuckin' stuffed animal!

The slower we move the faster we die. Make no mistake, moving is living.


Uncle Rico: Back in '82, I used to be able to throw a pigskin a quarter mile.
Kip: Are you serious?
Uncle Rico: I'm dead serious.

I'd like to be cowboys from Arizona or pimps from Oakland but it's not Halloween. Grow up; Peter Pan, Count Chocula.

John Beckwith

Oh Veronica Vaughn! So hot! Want to touch the hiney! Arrroooooooo!

Billy Madison

What is she doing back there? I never know what she's doing.

Chaz Reingold

Jason: Is your muffin buttered?
Cady: What?
Jason: Would you like us to assign someone to butter your muffin?
Cady: My what?
Regina: Is he bothering you? Jason, why are you such a skeeze?
Jason: I'm just being friendly.

What's up, vanilla face?


[singing passionately] What do tigers dream of when they take their little tiger snooze? Do they dream of mauling zebras, or Halle Berry in her Catwoman suit? Don't you worry your pretty striped head, we're gonna get you back to Tyson and your cozy tiger bed. And then we're gonna find our best friend Doug, and then we're gonna give him a best friend hug. Doug, Doug, oh, Doug, Dougie, Dougie, Doug, Doug! But if he's been murdered by crystal meth tweakers, well then we're shit out of luck.

Stu Price

You know what's a fun game? Take 3 Excedrin PM's and see if you can whack off before you fall asleep. You always win, that's the best part about the game.


My tremendous intuitive sense of the female creature informs me that you are troubled.

Jack Sparrow

Ron Burgundy: Boy, that escalated quickly... I mean, that really got out of hand fast.
Champ Kind: It jumped up a notch.
Ron Burgundy: It did, didn't it?
Brick Tamland: Yeah, I stabbed a man in the heart.
Ron Burgundy: I saw that. Brick killed a guy. Did you throw a trident?
Brick Tamland: Yeah, there were horses, and a man on fire, and I killed a guy with a trident.
Ron Burgundy: Brick, I've been meaning to talk to you about that. You should find yourself a safehouse or a relative close by. Lay low for a while, because you're probably wanted for murder.

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