Favorite Comedy Quotes
At age 11, I audited my parents.Allen Gamble
Ron Burgundy: Everyone just relax, all right? Believe me, if there's one thing Ron Burgundy knows, it's women.
Brian Fantana: I don't know, Ron.
Ron Burgundy: Guess what, I do. I know that one day Veronica and I are gonna to get married on top of a mountain, and there's going to be flutes playing and trombones and flowers and garlands of fresh herbs. And we will dance till the sun rises. And then our children will form a family band. And we will tour the countryside and you won't be invited.
The key to faking out the parents is the clammy hands. It's a good non-specific symptom; I'm a big believer in it. A lot of people will tell you that a good phony fever is a dead lock, but, uh... you get a nervous mother, you could wind up in a doctor's office. That's worse than school. You fake a stomach cramp, and when you're bent over, moaning and wailing, you lick your palms. It's a little childish and stupid, but then, so is high school.Ferris Bueller
It's so damn hot... milk was a bad choice.Ron Burgundy
I arrived in America's airport with clothings, U.S dollars and a jar of gypsy tears to protect me from AIDS.Borat
John Beckwith: Seamus O'Toole.
Jeremy Grey: Bobby O'Shea.
John Beckwith: I'm ready to get drunk!
Don't have sex, because you will get pregnant and die! Don't have sex in the missionary position, don't have sex standing up, just don't do it. Okay, promise? Okay, now everybody take some rubbers.Coach Carr
Fuck off, Death!Borat
What you did was very spiteful, but it was also very brave and very honest and I respect you for doing that. But the content of what you said has made me hate you. So there's a layer of respect, admittedly, for your truthfulness, but it's peppered with hate. Hateful respect.Aldous Snow
I love it when women go to school. It's like seeing a monkey on roller skates -- it means nothing to them, but it's so adorable for us.General Aladeen
Borat: Do Jesus love my neighbor, Nusultan Tulyakbay?
Pentecostal church pastor: Yes, Jesus loves your neighbor.
Borat: [correcting him] Nobody like my neighbor Nusultan Tulyakbay.
Brian Fantana: I think I was in love once.
Ron Burgundy: Really? What was her name?
Brian Fantana: I don't remember.
Ron Burgundy: That's not a good start, but keep going...
Brian Fantana: She was Brazilian, or Chinese, or something weird. I met her in the bathroom of a K-Mart and we made out for hours. Then we parted ways, never to see each other again.
Ron Burgundy: I'm pretty sure that's not love.
Brian Fantana: Damn it.