Favorite Comedy Quotes
Eric Cartman: More people will come if they think we have punch and pie.
Kyle: [typing] Punch and pie.
[on the phone] And I said, I don't care if they lay me off either, because I told, I told Bill that if they move my desk one more time, then, then I'm, I'm quitting, I'm going to quit. And, and I told Don too, because they've moved my desk four times already this year, and I used to be over by the window, and I could see the squirrels, and they were merry, but then, they switched from the Swingline to the Boston stapler, but I kept my Swingline stapler because it didn't bind up as much, and I kept the staples for the Swingline stapler and it's not okay because if they take my stapler then I'll set the building on fire...Milton
I'm dead. I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I died, I'm dead.Marlin
What's up with it, Vanilla face? Me and my homie Azamat just parked our slab outside. We're looking for somewhere to post up our Black asses for the night. So, uh, bang bang, skeet skeet, nigga. Just a couple of pimps, no hos.Borat
Hey, I started out mopping the floor just like you guys. But now... now I'm washing lettuce. Soon I'll be on fries; then the grill. And pretty soon, I'll make assistant manager, and that's when the big bucks start rolling in.Maurice
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you're cool, and fuck you, I'm out!Scarface
It was all that Dan Marino's fault, everyone knows that. If he had held the ball, laces out, like he was supposed to, Ray would never have missed that kick. Dan Marino should die of gonorrhea and rot in hell. Would you like a cookie, son?Mrs. Finkle
I'm so lonely, I paid a hobo to spoon with me.Ron Burgundy
Anything happens to my daughter, I got a .45 and a shovel, I doubt anybody would miss you.Mel
Gretchen: Well, I mean you wouldn't buy a skirt without asking your friends first if it looks good on you.
Cady: I wouldn't?
Gretchen: Right. Oh, and it's the same with guys. Like, you may think you like someone, but you could be wrong.
I am one more "black gay kid getting punched in the face" away from a nervous breakdown. Do I make myself clear?Principal Dadier (to Jenko and Schmidt)
Jake: [Looking at stick figure drawing] Who's that?
Janey: It's my mother.
Jake: You have her eyes.