Favorite Comedy Quotes
Nicholas Angel: You're a doctor, deal with it!
Danny Butterman: Yeah, motherfucker!
I hear words like "beauty" and "handsomness" and "incredibly chiseled features" and for me that's like a vanity of self absorption that I try to steer clear of.Hansel
Peter Gibbons: What would you do if you had a million dollars?
Lawrence: I'll tell you what I'd do, man, two chicks at the same time, man.
Peter Gibbons: That's it? If you had a million dollars, you'd do two chicks at the same time?
Lawrence: Damn straight. I always wanted to do that, man. And I think if I had a million dollars I could hook that up, cause chicks dig a dude with money.
Peter Gibbons: Well, not all chicks.
Lawrence: Well the kind of chicks that'd double up on a dude like me do.
Peter Gibbons: Good point.
Napoleon Dynamite: Who are you?
LaFawnduh: I'm LaFawnduh.
Napoleon Dynamite: What are you doing here?
LaFawnduh: I'm waiting for Kip.
Napoleon Dynamite: Kip?
LaFawnduh: Why are you so sweaty?
Napoleon Dynamite: I've been practicing.
LaFawnduh: Mmmm. Practicing what?
Napoleon Dynamite: Some dance moves.
LaFawnduh: You like dancing?
Just a moment. I hear people wanting something... ME!RamÃ³n
Tommy: Hey, I'll tell you what. You can get a good look at a butcher's ass by sticking your head up there. But, wouldn't you rather to take his word for it?
Mr. Brady, Customer: [confused] What? I'm failing to make the connection here.
Tommy: No, I mean is, you can get a good look at a T-bone by sticking your head up a butcher's ass... No, wait. It's gotta be your bull.
Nina: Now Milton, don't be greedy, let's pass it along and make sure everyone gets a piece!
Milton Waddams: Yeah, but last time I didn't receive a piece.
Nina: Just pass.
Milton Waddams: [mumbling] But... the ration of people to cake is...
[cake is passed, everybody but Milton gets a piece]
Milton Waddams: [whispering] Set the building on fire.
Seth: [referring to Evan's mother] I am truly jealous you got to suck on those tits when you were a baby.
Evan: Yeah, well, at least you got to suck on your dad's dick.
Seth: [shrugs] It's a nice lookin' dick.
You're gonna need a blanket and suntan lotion, cause you're never gonna get off that beach, just like the way you never got into the NHL... you jackass!Donald
Ricky Bobby: Nobody plays jazz at The Pit Stop!
Jean Girrard: Then why is the song on the jukebox?
Bartender: We keep it on there for profiling purposes. We also have the Pet Shop Boys and Seal.
[to Andy] There you are Emily. How many times do I have to scream your name?Miranda Priestly
[about Andy telling Trish he's a virgin]
Andy Stitzer: What if she laughs at me?
Cal: Then you punch her in the fucking head.