I'm going to give you a little advice. There's a force in the universe that makes things happen. And all you have to do is get in touch with it, stop thinking, let things happen, and be the ball.

Ty Webb

Playing with my money is like playing with my emotions, Smokey.

Big Worm

Ted: Hey, thanks for 9/11.
Indian woman: I'm Indian.
Ted: Yeah, whatever.

[to his pregnant wife] Is this a boy or an abortion?

General Aladeen

What do you call the three rings of marriage? Engagement ring, wedding ring and insuffering...

Cedric

Not So Slim Shady, what's up? I haven't seen you since high school...

Jenko

"It must be some kinda... hot tub time machine." [Looks directly into the camera]

Nick

Makes me feel like I'm going shopping for a training bra.

Terry Hoitz

Tallahassee: We got taken hostages by a twelve-year-old?
Columbus: Well, girls mature way faster than boys.

Jibber jabber jibber jabbering, mumbo jumbo, denial, key-key-key key-key-key!

Dr. Buddy Rydell

Peter: [Talking about the frozen White Bitch] We will create a democratic society, and give her a fair trail, and...
Captain Jack Swallows: [Jack Swallows come rolling by on the wodden wheel and runs over the Bitch]
[In the distance]
Captain Jack Swallows: Take that, Bitch!
Peter: [pauses] Ah, screw her anyways.

He is the sweetest guy. Have you ever looked into his eyes? It was like the first time I heard the Beatles.

Seth

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