Ted: Hey, thanks for 9/11.
Indian woman: I'm Indian.
Ted: Yeah, whatever.

Kat Stratford: We're going now.
Walter Stratford: Alright, wait a minute. No drinking, no drugs, no kissing, no tattoos, no piercings, NO ritual animal slaughters of any kind... oh God, I'm giving them ideas.

Deb: Are they still letting you run for president?
Pedro: Yes. I don't understand... they say you're not allowed to have pinatas that look like real people, but in Mexico, we do it all the time.

Sandy: Carl I want you to kill all the gophers on the golf course
Carl Spackler: Correct me if I'm wrong Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers they'll lock me up and throw away the key.
Sandy: Not golfers, you great fool. Gophers. The *little* *brown*, *furry* *rodents*.
Carl Spackler: We can do that. We don't even need a reason.

They let me go early! I won 'Most cooperative inmate' four months running.


Danny Butterman: [after supposedly stabbing Sgt. Angel, waving a sachet of tomato ketchup] Da daaa!
Nicholas Angel: Danny, this is murder.
Danny Butterman: It's not murder, it's ketchup.
Nicholas Angel: We have to do something, Frank's appointed himself as Judge, Jury and Executioner.
Danny Butterman: [agitated and defensive] He is not Judge Judy and Executioner

I'm going to give you a little advice. There's a force in the universe that makes things happen. And all you have to do is get in touch with it, stop thinking, let things happen, and be the ball.

Ty Webb

Shrek: What're the flowers for?
Princess Fiona: Getting rid of Donkey.

Why do you sound like Evan but look like a Bee Gee?


This is Natalya. She is my sister. She is number-four prostitute in whole of Kazakhstan.


May George Bush drink the blood of every man, woman and child in Iraq!


Just imagine if girls weren't weirded out by our boners and stuff, and just like wanted to see them. That's the world I one day want to live in.


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