Favorite Comedy Quotes
Time to nut up or shut up!Tallahassee
Sheryl: He was snorting heroin.
Frank: You were snorting heroin?
Grandpa: [to Dwayne] Let me tell you, don't do that stuff. When you're young, you're crazy to do that shit.
Frank: Well what about you?
Grandpa: What about me? When you're old, you're crazy not to do it.
Oh, Ron, there are literally thousands of men that I should be with instead, but I am 72 percent sure that I love you.Veronica Corningstone
You put the bone in Zamboni.Chazz
Seth: Look at those nipples.
Evan: They're like little baby toes. It's just not fair that they get to flaunt that stuff, you know... and like, I have to hide every erection I get.
Regina: Why don't I know you?
Cady: I'm new. I just moved here from Africa.
Cady: I used to be home-schooled.
Regina: Wait... what?
Cady: My mom taught me at home...
Regina: No, I know what home-school is, I'm not retarded! So you've actually never been to a real school before? Shut up! Shut up!
Cady: I didn't say anything.
Beanie: Spanish what the hell are you doing?
Spanish: I'm just going to get some water. This suit is crazy hot, yo.
Beanie: Put your head back on. That can be very traumatic for the kids.
Spanish: You're right, I'm sorry, sir.
Beanie: Don't sorry me, babe. And shake the tail when you walk. You're better than that.
The helmet I was wearing... Oh come on, that's funny. That's really funny, I mean I'm the only person who wears a helmet to work who isn't putting out fires or racing for NASCAR. But what do you do, I can't quit... their insurance is amazing, what do you do? You laugh. I'm not saying I don't cry but in between I laugh and I realize how silly it is to take anything too seriously. Plus, I look forward to a good cry. It feels pretty good.Sam
[turning to Columbus, Wichita and Little Rock after a zombie] What do you think? "Zombie Killer of the Week"?Tallahassee
Bark like a dog.Carl Spackler
I swear to god if you cut my head off...Chazz
Party Goer: There's a midget trapped in the oven!
Thomas: What are they saying?
Kirby: I don't know. All I heard was midget and oven.